Thoughtful Thursday: Advice

March 3, 2011

Thoughtful Thursday

Coming in like a lion and out like a lamb, it’s the March Intelligentsia, the people who commented on every Thoughtful Thursday post for the month of February.

#25: Wiseguy from Woman Anyone?
#17: Elana from Elana’s Musings
#16: Lost In Translation from We Say IVF, They Say FIV

#9: Strongblonde from Strong Blonde
#8: Cat

And welcome to new Intelligentsia member, Tara from Turkey In My Oven

Thoughtful ThursdayContinuing with the all-Lori week…

As I mentioned before, Burrito, Tamale, and I spent the day with Lori and her daughter Tessa a couple of months ago. While we were having lunch, Lori asked me about whether we hoped to expand our family further.

Before I could answer, 9-year-old Tessa interrupted:

I don’t think you should. Two sets of twins would be too much.

Her assumption was entirely logical from a kid’s point of view: if I had twins once, I will have them again. Based on that assumption, Tessa’s advice was quite sound.

Many of us have blogged a lot about the bad unsolicited advice that people have given us concerning family-building, whether related to having more/any children or stopping. Just relax. Just adopt. Adopt and you’ll get pregnant. Boy-girl twins, that was easy now you’re done. Have sex standing up. What about good advice?

Have you received any good unsolicited advice about family-building?


15 Responses to “Thoughtful Thursday: Advice”

  1. a Says:

    No. In fact, all I ever hear is a recommendation that I have more children. I told my family that my daughter was likely the only child we’d be able to have. My oldest sister said “No! You can’t have an only child!” Unsolicited…pretty much everyone tells me I should have more children. It’s like a stab to the heart every time I hear it.

  2. Rebecca Says:

    My friend Lisa, who’s had 2 kids later in life (she just turned 41), said “it’s not the end of the world if you don’t have kids”. She’s right.

  3. coffeegrl Says:

    No I don’t think I have – but that’s probably because unsolicited advice tends not to be received in the way it’s intended. It may be totally thoughtful and well-intentioned and still get stuck in my craw.

  4. WiseBursche Says:

    The idea of starting micronutrients for Birdman and me was given by my mother. And it was unsolicited.

    Because she knew my mule-ness, and that I possibly would not start at all, she bought us the dosage and sent it to us.

    I quitted the micro-nutrients a little later, but Birdman continued.

    That was last year, somewhere in March – April.

    In May, I conceived on my own.

  5. Sadly, I cannot think of anything. I had hoped for such a good advice comment recently when I told someone, who usually knows exactly what to say (especially around my mom’s illness and death) that we were embarking on a new IVF attempt, but instead he asked me why on earth we would do that – I was getting older (the baby could have T21), I would never find a job again, we already had one miracle, why tempt faith for another one, etc. I was too perplexed to get angry.

  6. I’m still in the beginning stages of IF and have no children, so my unsolicited advice is still of the “just relax and it’ll happen” and “God has a plan” variety. Not helpful at all. My mother in law even asked if I stayed laying down after sex. Such a wonderful conversation. *eyeroll*

  7. There must be something odd about me. Either I have an air that says, “No advice welcome unless I ask you for it” or unsolicited advice does not register with me. Or maybe I am just surrounded by advice-less people.

    I can’t think of many pieces of advice — good or bad — that I received in this area.

    Well, one. An old boss said that if I wasn’t ready to parent a baby with Down’s or spina bifida or whatever via adoption, then I really wasn’t ready to be a parent.

    Tessa’s advice is much more astute. I had forgotten she said that! She’ll be tickled to be mentioned today 🙂

  8. Tara (TIMO) Says:

    I’m in the lucky camp. I either haven’t had advice or have been able to let it roll right off my back. Usually we get comments that because we have twin boys, we have to try for a girl. I’d love a daughter (and frankly never saw myself parenting only boys) but that’s not in the cards for us.

  9. strongblonde Says:

    i usually try to block out any stupid advice i get. most of the time i really feel like people are not trying to make ME feel better about any situation, but rather trying to make themselves feel better.

    i’ve had friends who tell me that i need to have more kids and some that tell me that i should just be done. honestly, i just kind of ignore all of it. i don’t have time for that foolishness!!

    most recently the most unsolicited advice (not family related, does this count??) i got was from a friend who lives in my neighborhood. we are both getting ready to redo our bathrooms. she is doing a major gut job, we are only doing the tub and tile surround. we both got quotes, none from the same people. she decided to go with a man who was able to start right away, did some work for her mom 20 years ago, and said that he should get it done in under a week. he quoted her a low price, too. we decided to go with a guy who presented an excell sheet as part of his quote, he buys all of the supplies that we approve, he said it would take 1 week, and he won’t be able to start until april since he is booked until then. he came highly recommended by the local parent’s group. noteably, he’s neat, always on time, quiet, and stays under budget. she thinks it is unreasonable to wait for him. arg.

  10. I’ve been very vocal about my plan to have a second child, so I haven’t gotten the “when are you going to have more children” question? Also, b/c I’ve been forthcoming about having conceived through IVF, I think people are more hesitant to ask about a second, b/c they know it was expensive and emotionally consuming to have the first. The other nice thing about IVF is that most people don’t know much about it, so they tend not to give you unsolicited advice, because really what kind of advice can they give?

    I did, on the other hand, ask a lesbian couple I know if they planned on having another one, because I’m dead interested in hearing about other 2nd IVF journeys. And I admit that I was disappointed when they said they were on the fence, leaning toward no. Not only because I would have welcomed the advice from them, but also b/c they’re great parents.

  11. Photogrl Says:

    I don’t know if I’ve ever had any good advice given to me….hmmm…

    Some things were said to me over the years that were good advice, but timed badly, so I couldn’t really accept them at the time. Looking back, I can see that they were said out of love.

    On the bad advice front, I hate it when people say, “Oh, a boy and a girl! Perfect. You must be done!” Grr….

  12. celia Says:

    Well, the good advice I got, I did not want to take. Everyone said to give our son as much time as possible before TTC again. Since I am OLD, I did not want to wait- however with the c-section and breastfeeding Peter will be at least 2 before we will have another. And we feel that is the best thing for him, much as I hate waiting.

    I did get some truly heinous assvice from someone I really like. They told me that more than twins was…ready?…an ABOMINATION because the Lord only gives us two breasts so clearly we are meant to never have three or more at once. And I was like…what the hell do you even say to those people?

  13. celia Says:

    I know. What do you even say when people are like that? I had a head full of hair dye was was just blown away. It was shocking. And she was so matter of fact.

  14. Elana Kahn Says:

    I dunno about good advice, but I have people all the time give me funny looks when I say that I totally want to have more kids. The only good “advice” was my prior OB telling me not to have twins again. lol No problems there…if I ever need to do IVF again, it will be a single embryo transfer every time. I just could not put myself in a position with ANY risk of getting pregnant with twins. This is why I prayed to G-d after the twins were born that I wouldn’t need IVF again, because I didn’t want any moral dilemmas about freezing embryos and such. Luckily, He heard my prayers…and hopefully will hear them when I’m ready for another. 🙂

  15. Cat Says:

    Nope! Nothing comes to mind, anyway. My “favorite” is probably a statement from a stranger that now we’re done. Not a question of whether we’re done, but basically telling me we are. She’s right, but not for the reason she thinks.

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