Back In

January 31, 2010

(Child mentioned.)

Last month when DH accidentally mentioned our infertility in earshot of his Dad, I thought our secret was finally out.

Apparently his Dad is so discrete that he didn’t tell anyone, even his own wife. We’re back in the closet.

I was talking about Burrito’s colic to my step-MIL — who’d gone through infertility and miscarriages herself. I was not complaining, just describing.

My Step-MIL: Imagine what someone who’d gone through years of fertility troubles would feel. She’d appreciate everything about the baby, even the unpleasant things.
Me: Blank stare.


I know in my heart that I appreciate my babies more than most mothers on this planet. My immense love and appreciation for their presence in my life don’t make it non-distressing for a baby to scream nonstop. For several hours a day. For weeks.

Imaginary retort:

You know what a mother who’d gone through years of infertility and losses would feel? She’d want to be able to care for both of her children during those hours instead of giving one more attention than the other. She would still have a hard-wired biological reaction to a screaming baby. She’d love her baby so much that she’d want him not to be miserable for several hours a day.

And she’s the good mother-in-law!

17 Responses to “Back In”

  1. Photogrl Says:

    Oh, man…I don’t know if I could have held my tongue.

    I hope the Burrito’s colic eases up soon!


  2. Elana Kahn Says:

    Ouch! I would have totally retorted with something along those lines. My family was a part of my infertility struggles…I was never in the closet…hell, there was never a closet at all in my case. hehe So no one in either family would ever make a comment like that to me cuz they know alllll about what we went through.

  3. kittyquilt Says:

    Ugh. I’m sorry! 😦 The insensitive/clueless comments never end, do they…

  4. Dora Says:

    Oy! With some people you just can’t win. Probably no point in trying to get her to understand.

    Didn’t realize Burrito had colic. That’s so hard. Poor baby, that hurts. And it hurts the mommy when her baby’s in pain. When Squeaker’s fussy I’m so grateful it’s just basic fussiness.

  5. Ana Says:

    Unbelievable?! Does anyone *LIKE* to hear a poor baby screaming in misery? It pierces my heart (and my ears!).
    I’m so sorry about the colic.
    I can’t imagine dealing with that along with another baby that you’re also trying to give attention to.
    I hate to “complain” so much that it took me awhile to describe our guy’s shrieking fits to anyone, but eventually I did, and got some great advice & support.

  6. a Says:

    My imaginary response would also add:

    After years of infertility, she would probably also feel like she’s already had enough problems, and shouldn’t she have an easy baby???

    Sigh. Hope that colic is quickly resolved.

  7. Well, you already know how I feel about this subject. And having just visited my ailing GIL in a convalescence center, I wonder if it’s ever fair for anyone to tell anyone else they shouldn’t complain. If someone wants to complain, let them complain already. What good does it do to try to guilt trip them about complaining? Has anyone ever been cowed out of complaining by this tactic? In my experience it only serves to offend.

  8. strongblonde Says:

    arg. the nerve of some people! like you were even saying that you didn’t appreciate it? for the love of all!

    i get you on the two baby front, too! sometimes when they are both crying uncontrollably all i can do is pick one up for a minute, then put him down and pick up the other one for a minute, then put her down. 😦 poor lil things.

    sorry bout the colic. they say it’s supposed to diappear at 5 months, right??

  9. Wishing4One Says:

    Man how I would have wanted to tell her… you just don’t know lady. Your imaginary retort is awesome!

  10. Shinejil Says:

    Oy vey. WTF indeed.

    You’re right: the reaction to a screaming baby (poor Burrito!) is visceral. You just can’t NOT flip out about it, even if you hear it all.the.time. It will still turn your nerves to jelly, even if this is the most precious little baby on God’s green earth.

    My guy is happy with us being in the closet–especially when it comes to his role in the whole affair. As in, it’s okay if I talk to other people about our trials if it’s an appropriate topic (as in to comfort someone or in response to a direct question), so long as the IUI gets overlooked. Even though he wasn’t the problem and I always state that.

    Sigh. They say that at around 4 mos. (based on due date) colic gets better. I hope that’s the case for you. My heart goes out to you…

  11. BB Says:

    That sucks!

    Just a recent episode (a lil different but frustrating enough): Even though we are in the closet for 99% of the ppl in our life, both sets of parents know about it (degree of “knowing” is greater with mine than DH)… the other day while speaking with my MIL, she was like, since your Mom is with you now, your stress must have completely vanished ! How do I get across to that female that being on bedrest (6 weeks now) with all the monitoring and meds… and counting every hour of every day can be stress free!

  12. Michele Says:

    This is why I never ever complain to folks outloud, even on the worst day. I think I’d actually say your imaginary retort and lose some people!!!

  13. loribeth Says:

    Re: your FIL — isn’t that just so typically male???

    As for your stepMIL’s comment — ugh. :p

    Poor little Burrito — I hope the colic is better soon. (((hugs)))

  14. Heather Says:

    Good luck with the colic. Poor baby! Thankfully, I’ve been out of the closet for many many years, but then the downside to that is every time there was a pregnancy announcement, everyone felt bad telling me. I’m glad everyone knows we’re done now.

  15. jill Says:

    Oh yeah, I would have told her everything right then and there. And then I would have thrown in that she should be careful about the comments she makes. People say the dumbest things…

  16. Carrie Says:

    Everything you responded with was exactly how I felt with my son when he had colic for about oh, 4 months. I wanted him to stop screaming and be comfortable. I felt guilty for having to care for him so much more than his twin sister and his older sister. It was tough, no doubt about it.

  17. katery Says:

    oh wow, just because someone went through infertility that doesn’t mean there aren’t times where being a parent is really hard, ESPECIALLY in the beginning, especially with twins, especially if one has colic. i hope your little burrito is better by now 🙂

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