Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions

July 21, 2009

(Hello, ICLW’ers! FYI, after 7 years of IF I’m now 23 weeks pregnant with twins, but like most of my posts this one is infertility-themed rather than pregnancy-themed.)

Last month I mentioned that I’d been put on pelvic rest because of placenta previa concerns. I wrote:

The irony does not escape me that after so many years of sex being a futile baby-making chore, now that I enjoy it more than I have in my entire life, I’m not allowed to do it.

In the past, whether due to lack of interest or doctor’s orders, I could go months without sex, no problem. But now, these pesky hormones have made the past month torture. Happily (good news for many reasons, most of them related to the babies’ health and improved prospect for non-problematic delivery), Baby A’s placenta has moved away from the cervix a bit and I have been temporarily been removed from pelvic rest! Hooray! The midwife’s exact words were, “You’re going to be back on pelvic rest in a few weeks, so you’d better do it as much as you can now.”

But, now that I have the go-ahead, I’m nervous about doing anything to jeopardize this pregnancy. If I do get over my fears enough to have sex, I want to use condoms, because prostaglandins in semen can cause contractions.

Our condom supply has been non-existent for many years, so this would necessitate a trip to the drugstore.

I am hesitant to go because I anticipate comments from the clerk. Over the years, I’ve dealt with nosy clerks asking questions about HPTs, OPKs, prenatal vitamins, you name it. When an obviously pregnant woman buys condoms, I imagine some people will take it as an open invitation.

“Isn’t it a little late for these?”

I’ve been composing snappy comebacks in my head.

  • The truth: Actually I’m trying to prevent the prostaglandins in my husband’s semen from sending me into premature labor.
  • Not the truth: Pregnant women can still get diseases, you know. Now that I’m already pregnant, I’ve been picking up a lot of strange men — I mean, a lot.

Any comebacks to contribute?

28 Responses to “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions”

  1. Kimbosue Says:

    LMAO! picking up strange men while pregnant. That is AWESOME and I would love to see the checker’s face!


  2. Jules Says:

    LOL @ the 2nd one!
    Buy a cheapy HPT at the same time and really confuse the clerk.

    Yay for being taken off pelvic rest (for the meantime)
    Between m/s and couch arrest, let’s just say it was a long long 9(ish) months for the hubby.

  3. Dora Says:

    Really, don’t put yourself through that.

  4. Happy ICLW!

    I love the second comment, of course! Like Jules said you could buy an HPT and say something like “is this going to tell me who the father is?” We’ve used that one before. It’s a fun one!

  5. Kymberli Says:

    1. My dog is in heat and I wanted to make sure that he didn’t knock some dumb bitch up.

    2. Well, since I won’t let him have sex with me in my ‘delicate state’ and all, my sister volunteered as long as he used a condom. Safe sex is a priority.

    3. Oh, you mean you’re supposed to use these BEFORE having sex? No wonder why I ended up pregnant. (as if, right?)

    4. Oh, wait – these are *condoms*…oops. My hubby said to pick up some CONDIMENTS. I’ll be right back….

    5. Just wanted to make my husband feel like a Trojan man, even if he’s anything BUT.

    Glad you’re off of pelvic rest. πŸ™‚

  6. Sue Says:

    I’ve been a long time lurker, but just wanted to contribute.

    If you get a comment like “isn’t it a little late” just look confused and ask what they mean. Pretend like you have no idea what they are talking about, like you’re not pregnant LOL

    Sue x

  7. Blur Says:

    Once while buying a HPT the clerk had the nerve to ask me “are you late?” “are you trying?” Im all like “no we’re trying to wait till we’re married.” but it totally sold me on only buying HPTs online in the future!
    I love the comment about the other men, but you should definetly do what SUE above said! Hilarious.

  8. Kristin Says:

    I would pay good money to see the looks on their faces if you use the second line.

  9. Mai Says:

    The snappy comebacks are amazing!! I love them all..and I didn’t realize you were already 23 weeks..WOW!!!

  10. Lisa RM Says:

    Response- But I really don’t want to get pregnant the first time I have sex. Does it hurt? Should I get lubricant too?

    See what they say then.

  11. dolcib Says:

    I think my snappy comment is, “pregnant is the new kinky.” The others are great!

  12. Wishing4One Says:

    LOLLLLLLLL what great comebacks, especially Kym’s. Snap a photo when you buy em and post it, we will be so very grateful. Can’t believe its 23 weeks already.

  13. Shinejil Says:

    Now, I’ve heard that there are not sufficient prostagladins to trigger real labor contractions (and not the warm-up rounds) unless things are already ready to go. But with twins, that might not be true and hell, I’d be doing the same thing in your shoes.

    And yeah, STDs, people!

    My not so snappy comeback would be two words: Balloon animals.

    Sorry, I haven’t slept much. πŸ™‚

  14. strongblonde Says:

    part of my job has me in a clinic that specializes in STDs. πŸ™‚ i could come up with a lot of fun come backs. could always ask for his phone number πŸ™‚ lol.

    i’m always worried about the prostaglandins, too. my ob? not so much. i just feel like we worked hard enough to get pregnant, who wants to do anything stupid, you know?

  15. Shelby Says:

    Ugh…I hate the nosy checker comments (especially when it is directed at HPTs I know will be negative). I’m personally going to vote for the second option (picking up strange men) and am wondering whether there is any way you might be able to plant a hidden video camera in your clothes so you can share their reaction with us. I bet that will be priceless!

  16. Carrie Says:

    HA! Great post and I would have to go with answer #1. I think if someone said “prostaglandins” to a stranger in the same sentence as “semen”, their head may explode! πŸ™‚

    Glad you are “back in the saddle” for a bit.

  17. Katie Says:

    LMAO. I would LOVE to be there for option 2, but option 1 will make the think twice before being nosy asshat in the future πŸ˜‰ LOLOL Great post πŸ™‚

  18. samcy Says:

    “What? That’s a nasty thing to say to a fat chick!”


    “Gosh, I’m pregnant already?? And here I thought I just had not farted in a few months”



  19. nutchell Says:

    LOL!! I went blank, but am bursting out laughing at all of the comebacks! I am one of those girls that get in the car and think, “ERR, I should have said,…”

    I’m glad your off of pelvic rest, but I TOTALLY understand your hesitation! I would be the same way!

  20. Cat Says:

    I vote that you either make your DH get the condoms or that you pretend you’re not pregnant and say, “what do you mean?” when they ask if it’s not a little late.

  21. Photogrl Says:

    Yay for being off pelvic rest!

    Go for #2…I just love the way your mind works. πŸ™‚

  22. Nina Says:

    Tell them better late than never. Then the “What? Oh, this? I’m having that lanced tomorrow” comes in a close second.

  23. heather Says:

    not the truth!

  24. ^WiseGuy^ Says:

    Yeah, I know…I was running short of balloons.

  25. jill Says:

    Woo – loved the comments for this post! hahaha

  26. Oh so funny. I’m so bad at snappy comebacks, which is why I write as opposed to talk. I’d either over-explain the situation to the clerk b/f s/he could ask or I’d send my husband on this errand.

  27. Oh, and meant to say, yea! so happy you’re off pelvic rest. My BFF had to go on it from her 6mo until she was induced due to preclampsia and she still talks about it in the same tone of voice that veterans use to talk about their time in Nam.

  28. Sally Says:

    I like this answer when you have been trying to get pregnant for a while. This short youtube video is a funny snappy comeback.

    Are you pregnant yet?

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