14w0d: 2nd Trimester

May 19, 2009

Happy 2nd trimester to me!

It didn’t feel like I’d ever get here.

In one way, I had blind faith that I’d get here (and beyond) eventually. Through 7 years of infertility, even when all signs pointed to No, I still believed that I would get here.

But in another way, as I have checked the toilet paper for blood every time and expected each ultrasound to reveal non-beating hearts, it was hard to trust that I’d ever make it to the “safe” zone.

Safe, ha ha ha. Infertile girls and babyloss mamas know better than to think that a pregnancy is ever “safe.”

But yes, now that we’ve passed this milestone, it’s time to let the cat out of the bag. It’s time to make our announcement to the family members that we’ll see in person this week, and to call the other family members almost-simultaneously with the same announcement.

DH has even thought up an adorable way to tell the in-person relatives. His excitement about everything is so sweet. He doesn’t share the Dead Baby Thoughts, and he only feels the optimism. Must be nice.

I know that everyone will be thrilled, even moreso because these are the first grandchildren on either side. They’ve waited a long time too… albeit without the tears, losses, injections, general anesthesia… But yes, I know they’ve been waiting.

When we make the announcement, I’m concerned about all of the conversations that will follow. I’m not afraid of questions about what took us so long, which I will finally answer without lying. Part of my concern is that by diving excitedly into talk about pregnancy and babies, it’s like pretending the past 7 years haven’t happened. But a bigger part of my concern, which infertiles know all too well, is that talking nonstop about “mommy” topics is flat-out boring.

I don’t want to pretend to be a normal pregnant lady, talking about swollen ankles (they aren’t), too-tight pants (they are), and diaper choices (twins? disposable, of course). Partly because of the charade, and partly because it’s boring.

I have been the only childless woman in far too many conversations where no one has anything interesting to say. Debating methods for pureeing bananas does not qualify as interesting. The consistency of anyone’s poo is not interesting. Know what’s really not interesting? Nipples.

You heard it here first. I will not talk about my nipples. I will continue to talk about work, current events, the weather, popular culture, and my not-quite-as-frequent-but-still-extensive travels. I will talk about the babies sometimes, and sometimes I will talk about other things. If 7 years of infertility has taught me anything, it’s that there are other things going on in the world aside from diaper rash. It’s not that I’m not thrilled to be in the position I’m in — of course I am. But I can’t forget where I came from, and I can’t forget that most people, particularly those without children, not only aren’t interested in burping techniques but may feel deeply saddened by such conversations.

Everyone who wants to talk about pregnancy or babies nonstop can expect to be redirected: “But enough about the babies. Do you think the Minnesota Supreme Court will rule for Franken or Coleman?”

I may be a one-trick pony when it comes to blogging, but I will not turn into Only A Mommy. These babies deserve more, and so do I.

21 Responses to “14w0d: 2nd Trimester”

  1. Amen.
    I too check for blood at each visit to the loo (and I’m 24 weeks 4 days). I actually don’t even feel like a “real” pregnant woman because I still expect the rug to be pulled from me at any moment. That said, I rarely discuss my pregnancy unless someone brings it up. I totally agree with you that there is more to life than this pregnancy and our subsequent (goodness willing) parenthood. If infertility taught me anything it’s that I am much more than this.

  2. Cat Says:

    Amen sister! I stopped going to my book club because it was five minutes of talk about the book and over an hour of talk about pregnancy and babies. Even now that I’m pregnant I don’t want to spend hours talking about it. Part of it is a jinx factor thing, but mostly because there’ just not THAT much to say about it, even with triplets.

    However, I have started several conversations with, “I feel fine, they’ll arrive sometime in August, and no, we are not finding out the genders.” It makes those pregnancy conversations I can’t avoid much shorter.

    Thank you for promising to never talk about your nipples. Now, do you think you could get my friends to stop talking about their concerns that their son’s circumcision was done incorrectly? That’s really not appropriate dinner talk. Ever.

  3. LouLou Says:

    This is an exciting time for you and your husband! You’ll never feel like a “normal” pregnant lady, but it’s okay to feel comfortable and content. Time will fly! Enjoy the moment of telling family and regardless of the crazy comments you are sure to get, roll with the punches because they will be so happy and excited for you both! I’ll be thinking about you! Good luck!

  4. I struggled with my identity for years. I’m glad I got it back when I did. I hated being stuck in “mommy land”! It’s scary there! Good luck telling everyone, I’m sure it will go fine though.

  5. Congrats on the second trimester. I hear you about not feeling like a “normal” pregnant lady, but what the heck is normal anyway? πŸ˜‰

    I know you don’t want to talk incessentaly about the babies but don’t underestimate the impact they are having and will have on your life. When you feel those first movements, so much changes. Enjoy it, it goes by so quickly.

  6. Happy 2nd T!

    Putting aside the fact that poo can be all kinds of interesting (yeah, right), I am thrilled to know you will not become All Mommy, All the Time.

    Good luck with the Adorable Way of telling.

  7. WiseGuy Says:

    Congratulations Cass…I for one still feel left out in lunch time conversations of “How cute is my kid?”.

    Mighty glad for you!

  8. Jamie Says:

    Congrats on reaching the 2nd tri!

    When I was pregnant with Bo, I felt the same way you do — what could possibly be so intriguing about a baby’s poo??

    And while I am definitely not “only a Mommy” I have been very shocked and surprised by how different my views are on many of these things now that I am actually a mom. I want to be a good mom and take care of my little guy (and now his two potential sisters) and part of that is worrying about things I never thought I would worry about — like the frequency and consistency of poo. Granted, I try not to bore my friends or ramble about it on my blog too much — but it does become important, in a very strange way. Especially when said poo means that your baby is upset, fussy, and doesn’t feel well.

    I think you’ll be surprised how much your life changes (even if you don’t want it to) when you hold those two little bundles in your arms.

  9. Kristin Says:

    Well said! Those are exactly the reasons my blog is such an amalgamation of things.

  10. Heather Says:

    Congrats on reaching the 2nd trimester! And great post. It’s important to still be an individual separate from the babies. You may lose that for a few months in the beginning as you spend time getting to know them, but know that it won’t be for long. And I’ll post my little advocation for Date Night. It’s really important to make time for your marriage even after the little ones are born. Too many mothers forget their husbands. It’s normal in the beginning, but you need to know when to say enough is enough.

  11. Eve Says:

    Yeah, a foot in both worlds is how I stand. Couldn’t imagine doing it any other way. Congrats for a FANTASTIC milestone!

  12. Cara Says:

    You put that potentially sticky situation in one very nice, consice little nutshell! Well done! And, congrats….14 weeks is a HUGE milestone!!!

  13. April Says:

    Beautifully said.

    I love your appreciation for your experience, and your refusal to allow infertility to run your life or define who you are.

    Sometimes these days, I indulge by immersing myself into the baby-ness that surrounds me – sometimes I need to in order to move on – but I love your reminder to never forget where I came from.

    As an aside – I do cloth diapers with my twins – it really is possible and the laundry doesn’t suck.

    Enjoy your time sharing the news – you deserve to!

  14. Carrie Says:

    First, congrats on making it to the “safe zone.” Each little “milemarker” brought a sigh of relief, even if for just a moment.

    Stresses of being pregnant will soon turn into stresses of being a mommy. My worry has just changed in direction.

    Enjoy your weekend with the family.

  15. lauren Says:

    I have written and deleted 3 comments before actually pressing ‘submit’ on this one. I have decided less is more. “Never say never”

  16. Congrats on making it to second tri!!! It’s such an exciting time, b/c though you don’t quite breathe easy, you do start to breathe a little easier. I agree w/ Lauren about “never say never” though.

    I don’t press mommy convo on people who aren’t mothers are preparing to become mothers, but as you start preparing for the babies, you’ll have a lot of questions, and other mothers are great in that they will answer those questions and be happy to talk w/ you ad naus about them. Few people are completely self-taught when it comes to raising babies, and you’d be surprise how interesting poo suddenly becomes after you learn that it’s connected to the health of your baby and that you need to watch it diligently.

    Also, having a baby is a little like planning a wedding. It’s a conversation starter. I’m surprised by how many people have introduced the topic of my pregnancy at parties, then pressed me for more details when I gave them short answers. It usu starts with “how are you?” and for whatever reason they never want to just take “good” for an answer. I compare this to planning a wedding, b/c I was surprised in the same way when people who I wouldn’t think cared about such things pressed me for further details about my wedding. I would often say then just as I say now, “You don’t really want to know about it. It’s so boring.” But at the end of the day, I think people just want to talk and they’re usu interested in what’s going on with you, even if it’s not something they’ve experienced or are experiencing themselves.

    I used to feel the same way that you do about mothers who talked about their kids all the time. I used to say, “After I have kids, when I meet new people, they won’t even know I have children unless they meet them.”

    Now, I realize that kids aren’t accessories. They’re a huge part of your life and if you want to raise them right you have to devote a lot of attention and time to them. It’s a job, and I know a ton of people who talk a lot about their jobs.

    I used to feel that I would be the exact same person before and after kids, but I can already feel myself changing. Three of the last five books I have read have been about raising kids — and according to other mothers I know the fact that I have read two complete works of fiction in the my third tri is really, really impressive. I’ve taken one writing class this year, and seven baby-centered classes.

    I would love to have enough time to work, write, read, and stay as clever and up to date as I used to be, but I’ve yet to meet a soon-to-be-mom that managed to do all of that.

    I know I’m a rather anxious person, but I do feel rather overwhelmed about becoming a mother. It’s going to be on my husband and me to keep this kid alive, happy, and awesome. That’s a ton of responsibility, the weight of which I didn’t really understand until I really started to accept that this baby was really coming. Now that I’m towards the end of my third tri, she’s probably not going to come out in the toilet, she’s not going to just stop breathing in my stomach and require a DNC to get out. The odds are totally tilted towards her coming — and I’m going to have to take care of her.

    So now I cut the moms who don’t have time to keep up with the news and stay really well-rounded some slack. Being a mom is hard. They’re trying their best, and as someone who can feel herself becoming more and more “uncool” as she gets closer to her due date, I’d really hate to think of other women judging me harshly due to the fact that I’m too busy raising my daughter to be as much fun as I used to be at a party. But in other ways, I realize that this is just something I’ll have to accept. I can either cool or I can be the mother I want to be.

    Still, I hope I don’t completely Stepford out. Mothers who completely Stepford out scare me. I mean these kids will eventually go off to college and you want to retain your personality. Also, I wouldn’t be much of a writer if I completely revolved around being a mother. God, I hope I can find that balance. Thanks for the topic starter. It really made me think.

    I’ll end this with the advice that my sister-in-law gave me while I was still in my first trimester, “Don’t make too many decisions about what everything will be like before you meet the baby” — or in your case “babies” πŸ™‚

  17. Miriam Says:

    Came here via ICLW. This is an awesome post – congrats, btw, on the 2nd trimester mark. Even though I’m currently experiencing IF, I find blogs of IF folks who are currently pregnant very encouraging. You’re right- sometimes they’re just boring and painful, but right now, at least where I am emotionally, I find them encouraging. They give me hope, which can be a rare thing in the land of IF.

    Have fun sharing the good news to family and friends!

    ~Miriam (ICLW)

  18. Photogrl Says:

    Happy 2nd Trimester! πŸ™‚

  19. Dawn Says:

    happy 2nd trimester! yayayay!!! so excited for you and the twins. ❀

  20. Sara Says:


    Thought this song fits into your general attitude! πŸ™‚

    Congrats on 2nd tri-land.


  21. Jill Says:

    Glad to agree with you. Now to get all the boring grandmas to shut up…they were the same moronic women who were equally obsessed with their so ordinary yet to them amazing babies.

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