Thoughtful Thursday: Announcement

April 2, 2009

Thoughtful ThursdayHappy April! It’s time to announce the March Intelligentsia (people who have commented on every Thoughtful Thursday post for the month of March).

First, there’s three-peat member Wiseguy from Woman Anyone?

Repeating their Intelligentsia status from a prior month are Cat; Ernessa from Fierce and Nerdy; Leslie Laine from What You’re Not Expecting When You’re Trying to Expect; and Shalini from By the Pricking of My Thumbs.

We also have a couple of first-timers: Kristen from Dragondreamer’s Lair and Kymberli from I’m A Smart One.


Thoughtful ThursdayToday’s Thoughtful Thursday is pregnancy-related, but those who haven’t been pregnant are also free to chime in. I certainly had opinions about it before I ever became pregnant for the first time — and then those opinions changed drastically when I became un-pregnant. My opinions changed again as infertility wore on for years and years, and when I became pregnant then un-pregnant the second time.

I used to think it was wise to wait a sensible time to tell the world, but that it was fun to tell lots of individual people. Now, I think it’s best to wait a longer-than-sensible time to tell almost everyone, with the caveat that it can’t always be hidden as long as you’d like (growing belly, morning sickness, etc.). Sensible for normal people and sensible for those who’ve dealt with infertility or loss are not even on the same scale — like comparing a stopwatch to geologic time.

With this pregnancy, I’ve been thinking that I’d wait at least until the end of the first trimester to make the general announcement. This includes family — we’ve told them less than anyone else throughout the past 7 years, why should we change things now? It also includes work, non-close friends, and Facebook. Actually, maybe Facebook will have to wait until the birth.

This all seemed very far away, until I realized that the second trimester begins in mid-May. Every day may be crawling by at a snail’s pace for me, but May also feels very soon. May is next month! Ultimately the exact timing will boil down to who we’re seeing when, and how long we can hold out before we can’t hide it any longer. I’d be surprised if I tell anyone who doesn’t already know about our infertility before the end of the first trimester.

The general consensus seems to be that the end of the first trimester is the sensible time for the big announcement. The reduced miscarriage risk coincides with the burgeoning inability to hide the belly. Dooce had a subtle announcement to the world right around the end of the first trimester.

Our close friends The Other Hosts waited until the day of their nuchal scan to announce it — it happened to be New Year’s Eve, so the announcement was made at the party in front of all of their friends. Their families found out around 8 weeks (except for her mom, who knew from the beginning). Mr. Other Host told DH a couple of weeks before the nuchal scan. As I have mentioned already, Mr. Other Host called and told me the morning of the big day, immediately after the nuchal scan: literally as we were backing out of the parking spot post-retrieval, which was not ideal timing for me, but it was still a kind gesture for him to tell me in advance instead of springing it on me.

A few days later, we received their belated Christmas card in the mail — they also waited until the nuchal scan for the mailing. It was a wedding picture, wishing people a happy new year from Mr., Mrs., and Baby Other Host (with due date). Anyone who didn’t hear the announcement on New Year’s Eve definitely got the message soon after.

Mr. Other Host is an “I’m so excited and I just can’t hide it” kind of guy, and they got pregnant the first month they tried, so I’m not surprised about the Christmas card. At the same time, I would never be so presumptuous to send a Christmas card — even if the pregnancy was 8 months along when the cards went out. I have learned the hard way, through my own tears and those of too many friends, that there are no guarantees.

I’m going to see one of my closest friends today, and another one tomorrow. They’ve been with me the whole way on this journey; how could I not tell them? They seem to be an exception to my “wait a very long time to tell” rule. I’m very excited for those announcements, actually. I’m dreading some of the others, though. The worst: I would bet money that DH’s mother will berate us for not telling her about this pregnancy earlier, for telling anyone before her, for not telling her about the previous pregnancies, for not confiding about infertility… Yet another reason to put the announcement off.

Today’s questions (answer based on what you’ve done, if you’ve had the opportunity, or what you’ve imagined, if you haven’t): When does a pregnancy feel real enough (or safe enough) to tell the world (anonymous billions on the internet notwithstanding)? When would/did you tell your inner circle? When does it feel real enough to “announce” it to yourself? How much do you think that your answers to all of the above are influenced by infertility and/or loss?


33 Responses to “Thoughtful Thursday: Announcement”

  1. Heather Says:

    With my first it was kind of announced for me the week I found out. Rushed wedding and all that. Who wouldn’t pick up on that?

    With my second I waited 1 month.
    With my third I didn’t tell anyone not even my mother until I was 3 months and couldn’t hide that I was burping constantly. My mom knew the burping was a dead give away.

    With the fourth pregnancy, the ectopic, we told everyone the day we found out and now wish we hadn’t.

    So I have run the gamut of timing. I preferred the 3 month wait myself.

  2. Jamie Says:

    With my first pregnancy, I told my close friends and family as soon as I saw two lines. I ended up having to tell a lot of other people (including my boss) when the pregnancy turned ectopic and I needed time off work for invasive surgery.

    During IVF, I confided in the blogosphere and chose to tell very few people what we were going through. When I was finally pregnant, I was scared out of my mind. Our inner circle knew everything along the way (parents, best friends) but no one else knew (except the blogosphere…). I eventually told some people after the 1st trimester but waited for most people to notice on their own.

    After my son was born, I went “public” with my blog and infertility background. My friends, family, and local community reads my blog and I’ve blogged openly about infertility and our last IVF cycle. I’ve kept everything honest from the beginning and so almost everyone knew from the moment I knew that we were pregnant. While I am well aware that there is no promise that we will have healthy babies at the end of this, I feel confident that those that read my blog will be supportive if the unthinkable does happen and I’m glad that I’ve been able to share my story of infertility, loss, and IVF with others who may not have fully understood it before.

    It’s hard to be “out” about all of this. And I really don’t think it is safe until you are holding a baby in your arms. But to me, coming out of the closet has been one of the best things I’ve done. I feel like I’m helping others and taking some of the stigma that infertility has from others.

  3. nishkanu Says:

    One of my friends told her whole family the day she got the positive pee test. Craziness. 9 months later (actually 8), baby was there, happy and healthy, just as she anticipated. It boggles my infertile post-loss mind.

    When I got pregnant the first time I told my closest girlfriends only, the only ones at the time who knew about the infertility treatment. Then a few weeks later I was having a miscarriage at my parents’ house and had to act like nothing was going on. Not a good scene. Now a few years later a lot more people know about the infertility treatments (but still only close friends + family). Every one of them knows that I am (just barely) pregnant now – I need them to so that if it goes south they will be there to support us. They all know not to act excited.

    As for the rest of the world, hmmm… I am not in a mental space where I can really even imagine getting that far in my pregnancy that I would need to tell anybody else. But I think we will/would be in the “hide it as long as is humanly possible” camp. Since we are away from my home town for a few months we can probably not tell anyone back home until I am in the 5th month or so, assuming I make it that far. Maybe if we start to get confident the baby will really live we will tell people sooner. Hard to imagine though.

  4. Carbon Says:

    We waited until 12 weeks, just after the first ultrasound, just before the end of the 1st trimester. Exceptions were anonymous millions and my yoga instructor.

    I told my parents one day, and my friends & workplace the next. They have connections to my workplace, so I didn’t want my boss to hear it 2nd hand.

    I probably would’ve spilled the beans earlier if it hadn’t been for some recent losses/chemical pregnancies in the TTC community I frequent. But, maybe not, seeing the heart beating on the ultrasound was very important to me. Even so, my mom was kinda surprised I’d waited so long to tell her & dad about their first grandbaby-to-be.

  5. With Nae, we told everyone as soon as we found out. Young and dumb, we were. With Zilla, we told parents 2 or 3 months after we found out, everyone else we waited a LONG time. In between with the miscarriages, we didn’t tell anyone. I’ve always said if I get pregnant again, I wouldn’t tell ANYONE until I absolutely HAD to. I have one friend I would tell, but other then that, nobody would know until they guessed or asked.

  6. fattykins Says:

    With all of my pregnancies it went something like this:

    As soon as I find out, I tell the internetz. Next is either my mom or dh. With #2 he told me that I would be so excited when I got pregnant that I wouldn’t be able to hold off telling him for very long – so I waited 2 weeks to tell him and only then because I started to throw up and I didnt’ want him finding out that way. Then we wait until 12ish weeks to tell other family members and a couple of weeks more to tell friends.

    I always did it this way because I figured it would be best if people didn’t know early on in case I had a m/c. In my last pg we had a bad scare and didn’t tell anyone except my mom and had to deal with it all alone the whole time and it was awful. “they” had found some problems at the 20w u/s and the implications from those problems were very scary but we opted not to do the amnio and it drove me crazy – literally. Now I wish we’d told people about it in order to have some support. My thoughts about telling about a pregnancy have changed as well – if I were to get pg again I would not wait til 12 weeks to tell. I might not pick up the phone as soon as I saw 2 lines, but I wouldn’t wait so long either. I would probably tell my family much sooner…if there were to be a “next time” which there’s not.

  7. Cara Says:

    I think telling is such a personal thing – but that is should be an agreed strategy with both mama and daddy. So, say my SIL wanted to wait, but my BIL was so darn excited that he told a few people here and a few people there…then they told a few…and suddently my poor SIL is getting looked at funny with raised eyebrows and people are wondering (read: maybe even judgeing her) for the “why didn’t you tell me?” thing.

    So – there’s my not so helpful thought on your thursday question!

  8. Kristin Says:

    There are all kinds of recommendations and advice and none of it means anything. The only thing I can say is tell people when YOU are ready. With my first few pregnancies and first couple of losses, everyone knew really early…almost as soon as I knew. The one loss after a heartbeat was seen, my cross stitch buddies (my support group) knew as soon as we knew and my parents found out when we lost her because I was at their house when I started to bleed). When I finally got pregnant with Gabe (2 pregnancies and 8 miscarriages in), I made a general announcement early (about 6 weeks) on my blog but said, “Please understand if I don’t talk about this anywhere else. Its too scary.” And, we didn’t tell our parents until 15 weeks.

  9. shinejil Says:

    I told all the folks I would hope would support me in a miscarriage (i.e. close friends, family). Now, I’m pretty open about it with anyone whom it might effect (my coworkers, other acquaintances, etc.).

  10. Sugar & Ice Says:

    With my first pregnancy, both sets of parents knew that we were doing IVF, so they were both waiting patiently for a phone call on the day of my beta. We didn’t tell another soul, including bloggers (mine isn’t an IF blog) until I was about 16 weeks along…crazy, huh? I had initially planned on telling at the end of the first trimester, but I had lost a twin along the way and was a little paranoid something else was going to happen.

    With pregnancy #2, I blogged (on a private blog) through my FET. I got my bfp, but before I’d even had a chance to celebrate, I lost that pregnancy. I was pretty happy no one knew what we’d been up to, aside from a few privileged bloggers, so I didn’t have to explain anything to anyone.

    With pregnancy #3, I didn’t tell anyone. Our parents didn’t know and neither did any bloggers. We kept it 100% to ourselves. We found out it was twins again shortly after the bfp. We waited until I was about 14 weeks pregnant and couldn’t hide it any longer. A few close friends and family members had their suspicions, but I was waiting until I felt somewhat comfortable.

    So…for me, waiting until I was into the 2nd trimester was what felt best.

  11. Eve Says:

    Our rule of thumb telling people early was we would tell anyone that we would need support from if we had a loss. So that meant our siblings, parents, and a few close friends. We intended to wait until I was 12 weeks for the general announcement, but did it a little bit sooner because I ended up in the hospital at 10.5 weeks with a kidney stone.

  12. Cat Says:

    I told my inner circle after the third beta last fall and after my second beta this time (I didn’t have a third). When we m/c last fall they were then the only people we told about it.

    This time around we had planned to wait until we were going to see DH’s family at 13.5 weeks and tell them in person then tell everyone else after. By 11 weeks we’d already had four u/s and DH changed his mind and called his entire family to tell them. Within the week following we told everybody else, including Facebook, though FB was last. 🙂

    I’ve always thought that waiting until after the first trimester was the best thing to do and am constantly surprised when people tell everyone after the HPT and before a blood test. There’s just so much that can happen and while happy news is fun to share, devastating news is not. After our m/c I didn’t even want to talk to the OB’s office to cancel my prenatal appt and had DH do it. There’s no way I’d want to have to tell everyone else as well! This time I was so gun shy I might have waited even longer than the first trimester except that my belly gave it away so much sooner (triplets). We’re now at 14 weeks and I’m still not entirely comfortable and am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Hopefully I’ll be simply happy and excited one of these days – maybe once we hit 32 weeks?

  13. Photogrl Says:

    With my daughter, which was my first pregnancy, we told family at 9 weeks, after the first ultrasound. Work and friends around 12. But this was before I ever struggled or had a loss.

    Now, currently experiencing my 5th loss after TTC#2 since 2005, I find that each pregnancy is a little different. The 2nd time we got pregnant we were waiting to tell the big announcement 12 weeks, instead we ended up only telling close family when we miscarried at 9 weeks. The last 3 times, it’s been on a need to know kinda of basis.

    Honestly,I hate the, “I’m pregnant, but it’s not going well” announcement, but it’s better than telling the world and then losing the pregnancy.

    It’s tough.

  14. ana Says:

    Hmmm. Purely hypothetical, still, but of course I’ve thought about this in those brief periods of hope. I think I would want to wait until the second trimester, except perhaps very close friends that are aware of our IF struggles. Regarding family—while it would be so exciting to finally have a response to the loaded “what’s new” questions, I would worry about my M-I-L’s scrutiny & judgement should anything go wrong (i.e. you shouldn’t have done x, y, z, now look whats happened). It’d be hard not to tell my mom, but I know DH would only go for an “all or none” approach with family. Co-workers/boss/etc… will wait until really can’t hide it anymore.

  15. Sarah Says:

    I’d tell anyone whose support you would want if things went badly. Or those you can really trust to not get all “smug fertile” on you and poohpooh your caution.
    I’m awfully glad you told the internets!

  16. rosesdaughter Says:

    The first time I got pregnant, I told the world! I didn’t tell my parents until I was 6 weeks, but then they told the whole family. I told everyone at work around 8 weeks. Then, When I miscarried, I had to go and tell nearly everyone that I had. That, was painful.

    This time, I told my mom and dad a week after I found out. I have told about 3 close friends, but no one else. Not work, not family. Hell, I haven’t even told my mother in law or my baby brother. Until I am 12 weeks and have seen a heartbeat, there will be no announcement. I just can’t go through that again.

  17. leslie laine Says:

    Hi Cassandra – I had to post about this one – it was too timely and inspiring. Thanks for another great Thoughtful Thursday:

  18. Rebecca Says:

    I really don’t know. I don’t think I’ll want to tell anyone straight away, except Himself and my BFF Melly. I’m a big girl so it’ll probably be able to be hidden for a good long time. Speaking it will make it real.

  19. ^WiseGuy^ Says:

    When does a pregnancy feel real enough (or safe enough) to tell the world (anonymous billions on the internet notwithstanding)? When would/did you tell your inner circle? When does it feel real enough to “announce” it to yourself? How much do you think that your answers to all of the above are influenced by infertility and/or loss?

    The question made me hot….It must be incredible to even think on the lines of feeling a life within you and then declaring its existence to the whole wide world. I guess my mother/father would be one of the very few first people to come to know. My in-laws possibly would also enter the inner circle soon enough.

    Close friends would come to know possibly before the end of the first trimester, as would my office colleagues. I intend to tell my Director as soon as I come to know, to be able to reschedule assignments.

    The rest of the world can wait, or know from the grapevine. It is unlikely that I will ever reveal or announce on Facebook or Orkut…

    One of my long-lost recently-found schoolmate recently posted pics of her infant son on Orkut…the baby had been born in December, and she had not informed anyone till the birth of the baby and two months beyond!

    I really don’t know Cassandra, I am almost sure that the pregnancy news will be pasted on my face like a million-watt bulb. Anybody intuitive enough could make a go!

  20. To me, a pregnancy is never safe enough to tell anyone. I’m serious. If I could spend 8 something months at home, tucked away from the public eye while all the while being able to keep venting on my blog or my boards, I’d be fine.

    In the beginning, we told at 6 weeks. Well, DH spilled his happy guts, cause he was too busy grinning (his second grandson was born on the day I got my POAS BFP, literally 15 minutes after the BFP – how could he not be grinning). To us, we were pregnant on our first IVF cycle, so lucky but oh so grateful! We were oh so naive and happy and didn’t know the dark underbelly of what they don’t tell you in “what to expect” … fast forward to 9 weeks, its december, we’re both excited as we always are at christmas, but we have a “reassurance” scan at 9weeks pg. well you can imagine how that panned out. I spent christmas on a “holiday” up north with DH cuddling his newborn grandson while I was bleeding like a stuck pig from my first ever d&c and of course, I was lactating every time the baby cried. Ain’t life grand. I come back from the “holiday” (more like hell) and heard the usual stories, oh they are so common, something wrong with the baby, usually for the best, cold comfort but this only happens once or twice and doesn’t mean anything. I sucked it all up all the while wanting to die. I thought this was as bad as it could get. Boy, thanks universe, for proving me wrong – on so many levels!

    The next time, we were more cautious. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice… well it didn’t matter, cause we lasted 5 weeks. The time after that, again, third time’s a charm, right? We didn’t believe we were pregnant. I was planning my next stimulated cycle, we were camping. I got rising betas and maybe…maybe a tiny bit of hope came into my life again. we first decided to wait until the second trimester (14 weeks). then we got freaked (mostly me) because we lost one twin at 6 weeks and I was bleeding from 6-8 weeks. Still, the 8, 9w, 10w, 13w, 16w scans looked good – could you tell I wanted a scan every week? We decided to wait to tell until the 19 week morphology scan. We also told ourselves until that scan it was not real, as if we were fooling anybody. DH was playing country music songs to my belly. DH was starting to come up with dumb baby girl names, even though he knew I’d have my way. I felt safe enough to risk a shopping trip to babies galore and buy a bassinet I so badly wanted. We ended up getting something small every week from 14 weeks so that we wouldn’t get hit by it all at once. Bassinet, change table, baby blankets, stroller, cot, mattress… then 19 weeks. it was a monday, and to cut a long, gooey day short, the scan was perfect. we confirmed Janaki was a girl (we’d been calling her that since her 8w scan). it was the best day of my life, no question. we agreed that this was it, the jackpot we’d been waiting for. in december we’d be a family. DH, a normally stoic old thing, couldn’t keep the grin out of his voice. I had my whole 45min scan on dvd and we watched it again later that night. so that monday… we felt “safe”. we started telling people. I told work (they’d known because I needed time off for my first d&c, plus we were having a pirates christmas party, which I had to miss and so had to give a reason, after buying all the costumes etc… ), DH told his family, I told mine. It was bliss, smiling that secret smile, smiling at strangers on the train. Less than 12 days later, Janaki died. 13 days later, I gave birth to her. It was unimaginable. Almost as if G-d or some force of nature out there didn’t like the fact that we were obscenely happy and this christmas we would have a 3 week old baby girl….

    and so now. I’ve been twice bitten. shame on me.

    from now on only the internets get to know. the internets, and as you said, the people you’ve spoken to about this journey, or more particularly the cycle.(currently I have one IRL friend who knows about my current cycle). its not a bad deal. I figure its easier to give bad news and deal privately with pain from in front of a computer.

    Of course, I am a product of my experiences with infertility and the death of my children (I almost always hesitate to use the word loss…I know its semantics, but I didn’t missplace the beans… now… where’d they go??).

    Facebook isn’t going to hear until our baby is born alive. My family is easy to forget, they’re far away and I’m the black sheep. DH’s family, I could probably keep them from finding out until the third trimester (yes, that’s how bad my belly post-pregnancy fat is, that I’ve never lost).

    Sorry. I got all long-winded again.

    Have a great time telling.

    Its a beautiful moment, one I do treasure every now and then.

    (Stuff DH’s mum, she’s on a “need to know” basis, as they say.)

  21. jill Says:

    I have never been pregnant but I’ve thought (and dreamed) way too often about the “telling” event over the past 12 years.

    I’m one of the people who eye roll and head shake when receiving announcements from the very newly pregnant.

    Two good friends once told my husband and I, in a very public forum, that they just found out she was expecting. It was a complete surprise, intensified by the fact that the husband had said many times that he would never ever be a dad, nor wanted to be. Mixed in with my feelings of jealousy, I was dumb-founded that they would go crazy telling everyone so soon. She miscarried a few weeks later. We were close enough that we heard about the miscarriage right away but they were still being asked how the baby was doing, many weeks later, from casual acquaintances that had not been told. Bad situation.

    I always imagine waiting until at least 12 weeks. Obviously, there are some circumstances that would necessitate earlier telling, like telling your boss due to obvious morning sickness, but I would try to wait as long as possible.

    Closer friends and family would get different rules applied, though I would still wait a while. I wouldn’t want to get any one excited only to have to break bad news to them while trying to deal with it myself. I do have one friend that I would tell as soon as I got my positive test. She’s known the entire time I’ve been trying and I always told her she would be one of the first to know.

    I guess the bottom line is, IMO anyway, tell when you feel comfortable telling and remember that the ones you tell, especially in the first trimester, should be people you would share bad news with as well.

  22. strongblonde Says:

    arg. this is something that is hard. i’m excited, but scared at the same time. my bloggy friends know, and some people IRL who knew we were doing IVF. if people asked me straight out if i was pregnant i felt weird lying. like i would jinx the pregnancy or something. who knows. we thought that we would tell everyone at the end of the first trimester. now i realize that is in like 2-3 wks. it seems so close, but so far. i wonder if i can even go through with it. i just want everything to go smoothly!!

  23. t Says:

    i told my family right away, and i waited to tell my boss at 12 weeks. after the nuchal translucency it felt like i was really finally going to have a baby, but it always felt kind of surreal, even when he was born(c section). i was always thinking something bad could happen and i was always surprised at my appts. when things went well. now i wish i could have been less neurotic and such a worrier, and enjoyed the feeling more. that negativity was definately the result of my infertility struggle

  24. Nina Says:

    I found out I was pregnant at 4-ish weeks, (or so I thought) and was so excited. I found out later that I was actually 6 weeks along and had conceived 5 days after the IUD had come out. (Yes, my md was one of those wonderful women who let women who’ve not had babies have them.) I was too excited to hold it in, and told everyone as soon as I had my blood drawn. Went through multiple U/S where I was told everything’s perfect! Then came the “big” U/S. My baby was diagnosed with anencephaly. That was last June. I’ve not been able to get pregnant again. I was one of those people who fully expected to be pregnant again before I went back to work. HAH. In answer to your question, after all that, I may just wait till I have the thing before I even register for a baby shower, much less tell everyone before I even know what I’m having. Assuming I ever get pregnant again, of course. All my opinions and thoughts could mean absolutely nothing.

  25. coffeegrl Says:

    We told my parents and sister right away – we were so shocked to see a positive pregnancy test it felt like a great way to celebrate. But we also told them that we were cautious about the whole thing, hoping for the best etc. but dubious…Part of the reason we told them was that I figured it would be good to have some support in the event that things didn’t go as planned. But we waited until 12 weeks to tell all the other IRL people.

  26. loribeth Says:

    I had always thought I wouldn’t tell anyone until I was “safe” past the first trimester. But when I did find out I was pregnant, it was one week before my mother was due to visit. I knew I could not look her in the eye & keep such a huge secret from her — she can read me like a book & I knew she’d know something was up. So we told our families as soon as we got confirmation from the dr. I waited until I was 11 weeks & had to start wearing maternity clothes to tell people at work.

    I always thought that if I was ever lucky enough to get pregnant again, I would probably try to stick to the original plan & not tell people until I was past the first trimester, at least, if at all possible. I’m always amazed at the confidence of people who are calling everyone before the stick is dry.

  27. Raggedy Ann Says:

    Given that I had already suffered 4 losses (including 2 ectopic) I was quite cautious when pregnant with my son. The very first person I told was my boss simply because he asked me about beta and I broke down crying. I also told a couple of close friends. My mom found out at 9 weeks because it was Xmas and she was wondering if I could host Xmas at our house. I had to give her a reason to turn her down. The rest of the family found out at the end of the first trimestre. Infertility plays a huge part in when and who we tell.

  28. Nity Says:

    I’ve loved this post and reading all the comments. I held off for awhile to see how many different reactions would role in.

    How much do you think that your answers to all of the above are influenced by infertility and/or loss?
    ~ They way I think about all of this is because of IF and the loss I’ve experienced in the blogosphere. I can’t even fathom blurting out a pregnancy after just seeing the lines on FB or to family…

    When does a pregnancy feel real enough (or safe enough) to tell the world (anonymous billions on the internet notwithstanding)?
    ~ We told my mom at 6 wk because she was leaving the country and we wouldn’t see her again (potentially) until I was 7 months along. She’d have been crushed to be told over the phone. Then we called my dad at 6 wk. We told his family at 8 wk. I would have much preferred to wait and tell both of them later. I was petrified and they kept wanting to tell everyone in the world. I wasn’t as confident. I told those people who knew about our cycle right away (i.e. those people who knew I went for my transfer on x day, those that just knew we were doing IVF didn’t know for awhile). I told my boss and co-worker (who knew about the IVF) at 6ish wk. I did not tell any other friends/family/etc. until 12-13 weeks. I think a handful of people found out earlier, but they were sworn to secrecy.

    I still haven’t announced it on FB. I don’t feel comfortable. Although a friend recently outed me by tagging a picture and a person also wrote something on my wall. Turns out only 2 people noticed. Whew.

    And then apparently not all my family was told through the grapevine so I had to mention something to them this weekend… I think it was the first time I didn’t feel super hesitant about saying something at almost 20 wks.

    I’m just going to feel a whole lot better announcing it when the baby is here and healthy.

    When would/did you tell your inner circle? When does it feel real enough to “announce” it to yourself?

  29. niobe Says:

    With my first pregnancy, I followed the conventional rule and told everyone at 12 weeks.

    With my second pregnancy, I also told everyone at 12 weeks. But, when I lost both twins at 26 weeks, I really, really wished I’d kept my mouth shut. The loss was difficult enough — dealing with people’s feeble attempts at sympathy and clueless comments made things much, much worse.

    With the most recent pregnancy, I told the internet via my blog as soon as we got the positive pregnancy test. But I didn’t tell my real life friends and family until a couple of weeks before the due date — and some of them not until after the baby was safely born. (Obviously, this wouldn’t work for everyone and it helped that this pregnancy was a surrogacy, so I didn’t have to worry about showing.)

  30. I told everyone, but of course I could understand not telling everyone, too. My friends and family and blog readers were really supportive of me while I was going through the process, so I felt it would’ve been unfair to accept that support and then not tell them when I got pregnant.

    Funnily enough, if I had gotten pregnant spontaneously, I wouldn’t have told anyone but my family and my best friend for at least 3 months. Before TTC that’s what I had always planned to do, b/c I’m a little superstitious that way.

    But when it happened I was so excited, I told everyone. It didn’t feel like something I should keep secret.

    However, to each women her own. I think it’s a very personal decision and every woman decides on her own or w/ her mate when and who to tell.

  31. MoDLin Says:

    My daughter was in your same shoes. She lost two pregnancies, the second one happening the day after she started telling everyone. This time she waited until she started her second trimester and felt much better about it. Fast forward… she delivered her daughter three days ago.

    Wishing you all the best! :o)

  32. Holliser Says:

    I recently had a loss shortly after 5 weeks. After seeing a co-worker have a loss at 8 weeks, when she had told several people with utmost confidence of her pregnancy at 5 weeks, I knew to keep my mouth shut. Noone knows the outcome of their pregnancy, whether you are young, old, healthy, unhealthy, fertile, or infertile.
    And being a long-term member of a TTC forum has also implanted the idea of waiting into my mind as a good decision. I have seen far too many average everyday ladies have to leave DDCs. I’m relieved that I did not tell the world at the drop of the urine on the test strip. However, I now know that no matter how far a pregnancy can go, a baby (or PC, fetus) can die at any time. Lives are like that; some are short, some are long. I say, go with your gut, but think long and hard about a potential poor outcome. It can happen to anyone.

  33. Mel Says:

    Family and one or two friends got the few-days-after-we-found-out announcement. Everyone else was told around 5…5 1/2 months. I didn’t even tell insomuch as I left off my coat one day and everyone could see the belly and we all just spoke about it as if I had told when I hadn’t.

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