Something Came Up

December 25, 2008

First, I am pleased to announce that there is a winner for the second incarnation of the Creme contest. That person knows that she won (and therefore, if you entered but don’t know that you won, you must not be the winner), but I’m going to wait to tell you her identity until we settle on her prize. I meant to close the contest yesterday, but, uh, something came up.

It has been the weirdest couple of weeks. Seriously. Between almost a week of being outsted from my house thanks to the ice storm and blackout, and then upon our return almost two feet of snow in one weekend, and starting IVF #2, and all of the random other stumbling blocks like a fried water heater and a demolished laptop, DH and I are not going with the flow as well as usual.

And now, my grampa has died.

Selfishly Realistically, my very first thought upon hearing the news from my father was that if the timing of the funeral conflicts with the timing of IVF #2, I can’t go.

My second thought as my phone conversation with my father continued, as he described all sorts of emotions and memories about his father and then started crying, was that I didn’t have it in me to be as supportive as I should have been. Sometimes it comes easily, and sometimes I can muster it, but sometimes my emotional bank account is overdrawn. I am a fantastic wife and pretty good friend and unquestioningly devoted future mother, but I am a barely passable daughter much of the time. And that may be the best I can do right now.

And then I thought about how I barely knew my grampa, how infrequently I saw him throughout my childhood and how little of himself he revealed when I did see him. And I thought about how most of my cousins are probably sadder than I am, because most of them knew him better — though I think only a few actually knew him well.

I thought about the deaths of DH’s grandparents and how those affected me so much more, particularly his grandmother. How I’m on the verge of tears anytime I think about the great-grandchild that I couldn’t produce while she was still alive, even several years after her death, yet I have not shed a tear for my grampa.

I thought about the recent version of my grampa, an elderly man who had lost control of his physical capacities and many of his mental capacities. Going back a few years, the younger-but-still-elderly man who loved football and conservative talk radio (and sadly, that is the extent of my knowledge about his interests). The middle-aged grampa of my childhood, much younger than my parents are now, on whose lap I sat once every year or two. The handsome young man in the army uniform, whom I know only from photos.

Most of all, I thought about my loved ones who are far more affected by his passing than I am. My gramma, who loved him with all of her heart and who stood vigil next to his hospital bed every moment of the past week; my father, with his conflicted relationship with his father; my aunts and uncles; extended family that knew him so much better. Everyone for whom future Christmases will be reminders of a deep loss.

I don’t know when my grampa’s funeral will be, but if it occurs during IVF #2, I won’t go; I will have to say that something came up. But, if the funeral is scheduled during the 2WW (or later), I could go. But should I? Most people seem to say it’s okay to fly, but with past pregnancies not having stuck around, I’m uncertain about travel. I don’t actually think it would make a difference, but I also don’t like having something preventable to (falsely) blame if things don’t work out. Personally I don’t need to go to say goodbye to the dead, but it would be nice to go so that I can abide with the living.

What do you think, Internets: Would you fly to a funeral during the 2WW after IVF?

11 Responses to “Something Came Up”

  1. Malky B. Says:

    Sorry for the loss of your grandpa. I personally wouldn’t fly but it’s probably fine. I would check with my doctor. You have to gauge your personal comfort level with it. Should the cycle not work, you don’t want to kick yourself and say I shouldn’t have gone.

  2. Karen Says:

    I really identify with what you said about not knowing your grampa as much as your cousins; it was the same for me and he died the day of our adoption match meeting, and we didn’t go to the funeral but it was because of work, not IVF. I was also, coincidentally, close to DH’s grandma. Anyhow, if I were you I would still fly in the 2WW; my philosophy always was that a hypothetical baby wasn’t a reason to stop living my life the way I would otherwise. But that was just my philosophy; your explanation that you don’t want to do anything that you’ll “kick yourself” for later makes sense, too.

  3. Annie Says:

    I think I would fly during the 2ww, but if I got the + and had to fly after that I’m not sure if I would. Anyway, if you do go, will your DH go with you? I would just say try to have him go too so he can take care of bags or any stressful travel stuff and you can relax and rest as much as possible.

  4. Kathy Says:

    Sorry about your Grandfather. I will echo the other posters thought that if you would kick yourself later… don’t do it. Especially if you don’t feel like you have t go for you.

    Good luck and my thoughts are with you.

  5. birdsandsquirrels Says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your grandfather’s passing. I vote for not going either way. My grandpa just died right before Thanksgiving. I flew across the country two days after my IUI, and I wish I hadn’t. I ended up getting pregnant but miscarried very early. The nurses said it was fine to fly, and it probably had nothing to do with the miscarriage, but I wish that I hadn’t put myself through all of the stress of traveling and the associated stress of being around my nutty family for a week. I loved my grandpa, but wasn’t very close with him. He had tons of grandkids and never really made an effort to get to know us personally, even though we all lived in the same town.
    I wouldn’t go unless you feel it’s really important for you personally to say goodbye. This is the time to be somewhat selfish and take care of your needs first!

  6. loribeth Says:

    I’m sorry about your grandfather. 😦 I have no opinion or advice about whether to go to the funeral. Either way, it’s a hard decision to make. (((hugs)))

  7. dreamingsoul Says:

    I am so sorry to hear about your grandfather and to know all of the anxiety this is causing you. As you know, I flew 2300 miles three days after transfer and got a positive on my first beta. However, if I would have had a choice, I never would have flown. I just think about everything that we invest in a cycle and the stress just THAT entails and nothing seems worth putting that at risk. I think you deserve to rest easy and not have to worry about flying. We, Infertiles, deserve to look after us for a change. Look after you.

  8. christina Says:

    I’m sorry to hear about your grandpa. I don’t know about flying, as I haven’t begun the journey to IVF just yet so I have no idea what protocol is…but my inkling is to say that I don’t think I’d risk it.


  9. I am truly sorry for your loss, despite whether you were close or not. As for flying, check with your doc. If he gives you the thumbs-up, it may make your 2ww go faster. And you never know, you may learn something about your grandfather during that time that will endear him to you more. You also may hear some stories you can pass on to your children.

    Sorry…. I’m just crazily optimistic lately. I hope you find peace with this situation, no matter what your decision is.


  10. April Says:

    arg. that sucks. just thinking back to how i felt after the ER, i’m not sure i would go. i was so uncomfortable! but then again, it may be nice to try to support your dad.

    good luck with your decision. (and the ivf)

  11. katedaphne Says:

    (Just found you after you found me 🙂
    I’m sorry about the loss of your grandfather. I’ve flown just days after out-of-town cycles three times and to me it was not a big deal. Just leave yourself lots of time, so you don’t get stressed (more than you are already at the prospect of a funeral) and don’t carry a stick of luggage! As you say, you would not be going for your grandpa, who you weren’t close to, but for the support of the living.

    And if, with all things considered, you’re just not up for going — that’s ok too.

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