December 11, 2008

DH on the phone last night to a friend who knows all about our infertility and various treatments:

No, we definitely can’t visit you for New Year’s… Absolutely not… We have some stuff to do here… No, we really can’t… Well yeah, something like that, but we’ve decided not to tell anyone anything anymore, so I can’t say anything else.

When was this? I never agreed not to tell anyone anything.

I do remember after IVF #1 (a.k.a. M/C #2) we decided that he wouldn’t tell his friends about treatments anymore because we didn’t feel like fielding their questions throughout the process, nor did we enjoy un-telling them after miscarriage. The line between seeking support for ourselves and putting forth emotional effort to deal with others had been crossed. I guess that’s what he meant by “we’ve decided.”

I think the Internets are exempt from this pact. We can’t tell anyone, except the world.

And my IRL support group must be exempt.

And maybe some of my friends.

So basically, we decided that DH won’t tell any of his friends. Except the buddy who’s currently going through IF treatments with his wife: I feel like that couple needs our support since we’re further along in the process, so he should be exempt too.

Now the real pact needs to be: We won’t tell anyone except all of the people that we do tell. But when we’re not telling the people that we’re not telling, we also won’t tell them about all of the other people who are getting more information than they are — most of whom, instead of being friends with us for 10 or 20 or 30 years, are people whose real names we don’t actually know. And most of the people who are “closest” to us, like our families, we (a) won’t tell them anything and (b) won’t tell them that they’re not as close to us as they thought they were.


7 Responses to “Decision”

  1. Dora Says:

    Funny! I had dinner with my mother last night. She’s completely in the dark. We discussed my oldest friend’s donor egg baby. Wonder if she’s curious about how I know all the medical details. I described ICSI to her. What was I thinking!

    I am more determined than ever now that she will know when I’m showing.

  2. Heather Says:

    I have to admit we’re open with our friends and family that we’re trying but after IVF#1 this summer and the miscarriage, we too didn’t feel like sharing the details of IVF#2 with anyone until we were more certain that things were OK. Good luck!

  3. Nity Says:

    This sounds like conversations that go on in my head. I keep saying that no one knows, but this person, this person, this person… and then if I add everyone up, it’s a lot. EXCEPT family. They don’t know at all.

  4. Cara Says:

    I just had a similar discussion with my husband. Not the fertility part but the, who’s saying what and who means what and when did we decided this and …wow – we should really communicate more – part.

  5. WiseGuy Says:

    You’ve been tagged!

    Pick up your tag and the rules at:

  6. samcy Says:

    We’ve also got very different ideas as to who we’re telling and who we’re not telling… I want to keep it to a selected set of people and he has not been hurt enough by this nearly 5 year journey yet and wants to tell a lot more ppl…



  7. Wishing4One Says:

    Only the internet, my mother, my father and my husbands aunt and sister know about our current IVF. We have always kept secret our IVF trials. No good reason I guess, but always have. Obviously, all of our friends and family know we don’t have kids after 12 years of marriage and 10 years of TTC, but it is a just a decision we chose. Actually I didn’t even bring my parents up to speed until AFTER IVF 5 failed. I guess its like i don’t want them to feel bad, or worry and I don’t know it just felt right not to tell. But i will admit not sharing with my mom was tough. Going to do my tag thing now….xxoxoox

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