Support Group Surprises

December 9, 2008

A few weeks ago I discussed the the support group that I was about to join, and then I reported on the first meeting. Since then, I’ve been to a couple of other meetings. Without giving specifics, here are some things that have surprised me.

What Hasn’t Been Said

  • Few people have mentioned what kind of work they do, and even fewer have said exactly where they live. In a normal context, those are the first two pieces of information people tend to say after their name. It doesn’t actually matter, and maybe it’s more “anonymous” this way, but it struck me as odd to know extensive details about someone’s uterus but not know if they live in my neighborhood or work in the same place as I do.
  • Blogging. I haven’t and won’t mention blogging. So far, no one else has mentioned blogging either, so as far as I know I’m the only blogger. Of course, as far as they know, no one is blogging at all (or maybe someone thinks that she is the only blogger…).

What Has Been Said

  • “At least I’m not 40!”
  • Dozens of variations on “my husband is an idiot and he doesn’t understand me or support me sufficiently in infertility.” It happens so much that I feel sheepish about telling the awful truth about my husband’s awesomeness.
  • “I would never do IVF. It’s not natural.”

Can you see why I prefer the blogosphere?

13 Responses to “Support Group Surprises”

  1. Sassy Says:

    What has been said makes me cringe. I swear the wonderful women who blog seem to be smarter and more sensitive than the general populace.

  2. babysmiling Says:

    @Sassy: Or, if not actually smarter and more sensitive, the reading others’ thoughts before starting to write (and generally thinking before writing) seem to give that impression. I do feel like I’ve become more sensitive (if not smarter) since I started blogging.

    I’d like to think that if the support group members had to see their words in writing, if something like “At least I’m not 40” appeared on the screen they would do some editing before hitting Publish.

  3. ^WiseGuy^ Says:

    Yeah, it doe sbecome obvious why blogging is better. But I think that the women in the support group shall come around. Have you ever asked about any of them blogging at all. The fact that they are only uterus-trippin’ may be because they are still insecure about revealing more than necessary to the group. Is it something like that?

  4. Wishing4One Says:

    Pefectly put as to why blogging is my support group of choice. Well, actually, i am so sure there are NO IF support groups here in Cairo, or any other type of support groups for that matter. Then again, maybe there are, nah, I doubt it.

    Anyway, maybe they will warm up a bit and you will find some fellow bloggers and also some IVF’rs. Ooh, its not natural? When we all get our BFP’s via IVF we’ll see whats not natural, LOL!!

    Stick it out and see what happens, it may develop into quite a group. You know WE are here for you always, and we can be quite therapeutic too! xoxoxoxo

  5. Wishing4One Says:

    Oh wanted to say on the 19th when you start stimming, go to meeting and say “I’m stimmin'” see what happens…kidding.

  6. Nity Says:

    That’s seriously amazing. The support group I went to – we weren’t allowed to talk about which hospital we were getting treatment at because the group was sponsered by a couple of them. Weird, huh?

    I definitely prefer online support. I’ve reached out to a couple of life friends and they were amazing. I told 5 people about our transfer: my boss, my co-worker, and 3 friends. With the exception of my boss, everyone either emailed, called or texted to wish me luck. I wouldn’t expect my boss to anyway. But I was super impressed and felt really supported.


  7. samcy Says:

    Yowza, IVF is not natural? Well duh!!!

    And in light of those comments I would *so* go on and on and on about how amazing my husband was if I were you… 😉

  8. Heather Says:

    Wow! What they are saying about their husband’s really surprises me (and in some cases I guess does not). My DH has been awesome through 10 years of trying hard at baby-making and 14 years of marriage. We have one 8 year old daughter from our endeavors and finally are pregnant with twins. I look back now at how amazing it’s been that we’ve survived with our marriage intact and having more love for each other than we can imagine, and I think we’re truly blessed. It’s been rough. He hasn’t always been perfect and neither have I, but we’ve come this road together and feel stronger because of it.

    I think you should go on and on about how wonderful your husband is and remind them that they need to keep the lines of communication open with their husbands. What’s the point of beating IF if you don’t have a partner to share the load and laughs with? It gets really hard not to have that love for each other get lost.

    And IVF not natural? If it’s the only way to get pregnant (like for me), you’d kiss your lucky stars for IVF to exist.

  9. loribeth Says:

    I’ve never been to an infertility support group, but my dh & I help facilitate a pregnancy loss support group. It varies over time, but I would say that, over the years we’ve been doing it, about 40% of our clients arrive as couples, and 60% are the moms only. After a few meetings, many of the dads don’t come anymore, and we do get a lot of the moms saying their husbands don’t understand how they feel or don’t mourn in the same way they do.

    Our clients generally tend to be respectful of each other’s experiences and feelings (thank goodness), but there have been a few “ouch” moments. Some have infertility issues, some don’t (the makeup of the group will vary over time), & of course, I tend to notice those kinds of comments. I recently blogged about having to grind my teeth while two moms complained that they’d been ttc for a subsequent baby for FIVE WHOLE MONTHS and why was it taking so long, they got pregnant right away with their other kids?? I understand they want to get pg again right away (because I did too)… but they don’t realize that it’s not that easy for some of us…

  10. katery Says:

    we are lucky to have fantastic husbands. maybe you should recommend blogging to the people in your group. it has really helped me A LOT.

  11. celia Says:

    When you feel comfortable, I think you should recommend blogging. It has done me so much good that I feel like i don’t need my therapist anymore.

    Maybe give it so more time. Possibly the women are shy right now.

    I think I would have rolled my eyes uncontrollably at the IVF not being natural part.

    Like any of this is natural…sheesh.

  12. April Says:

    i totally don’t get it. there are rules for support groups that you are not supposed to say statements like that.

    i could get into a week long argument about what is “natural”. arg.

    that sucks. at least we have the blogosphere. 🙂

  13. Merlot Says:

    I belong to a support group. No one talks about their jobs although do talk about where we live because a few of us go to the same clinic and we compare notes. The one time I ran into one of the group members in the waiting room and I held her hand as she cried because her cycle was cancelled. Someone did bring up blogs and whether we have one was discussed. We had a discussion about the pros and cons of blogging. I admitted I have a blog, but didn’t give the address my online name or anything and no one asked.

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