Close

September 15, 2008

One of my best friends from college is about to get married. We used to be extremely close. Close, as in, it’s 3am and I can’t be alone, come and drive around with me. Close, as in, when I self-harm usually I can bandage my own wounds but this one is too deep, can you fix it? Close, as in, I will tell you every one of my troubles and you can tell me every one of yours.

We also had a lot of fun.

Right after college, we lived in the same city, so we hung out all the time.

Then we lived in different cities, and we’d visit each other regularly.

Then we lived in far-away different cities, and the visits became less and less frequent. I have seen her once in the past 5 years, and that was only because I was in her city for a work trip. Neither one of us is much of a phone person, and she’s bad about emailing back, so there you go. The closeness is now purely historical.

But back when we knew everything about each other, she developed terrible endometriosis. I was there for the more-than-a-year it took for the doctors to diagnose it, the trips to the ER, the unbearable pain until they figured it out. I laughed with her over the hot flashes that came with medically induced pseudo-menopause. At the time, she mentioned something about needing to go through special hormone treatments if she ever wanted to have a baby, but that was way off our radar, so I didn’t pay much attention and I think she didn’t give it much thought.

But as I mentioned at the top of the post, she is about to get married.

I don’t know the status of her endo, nor her child-bearing goals. I do know that she loves children more than anyone else I know. Her current career and all of her past jobs have been devoted to children. She talks about her niece and the kids from work nonstop. She is one of those Destined to Be a Mother women.

I really hope that she doesn’t have to go through years of trouble in order to have a baby. But I’m afraid that’s what may be waiting for her. She’s had more than her share of heartache already, in many aspects of life, but fate doesn’t dole it out in equal portions.

I wish we were still close enough that I could bring it up. I would tell her that she is not alone, that I am here anytime to talk, that I have been there too. But very few people know about my IF, and at this point she doesn’t make the cut.

So I will put it out there to the universe, and to the blogosphere.

You are not alone. I sincerely hope that you get whatever your heart desires, and that you can get to that point without too many years or too many tears.

I miss you.

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5 Responses to “Close”

  1. Nity Says:

    I totally feel this way about most of my college friends, but I don’t think I could articulate it as nice as this…

  2. Danielle Says:

    You’re such a beautiful person. May peace be in your friend’s future.
    Hugs to you!
    -D

  3. Marie Says:

    That is a wonderful post. Long-distance friendships do seem to fade and it is terrible. I had one of the best conversations with a friend I have not seen in a while last night. We talked until 3:30am and we connected like we were in the same room.

    I felt free with her like back in the roommate days. We talked about TTC in depth for the first time and I feel wonderful this morning.

    I hope and pray you guys get the same oportunity.

  4. Kymberli Says:

    There’s a friend that I miss in the same way, too. I’m thinking of your friend, and you too.
    ICLW

  5. Kristin Says:

    I wish both you and your friend the very best of luck in having children. And, I hope you have a chance to rekindle your friendship.


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