Thoughtful Thursday: Dibs

September 10, 2009

Thoughtful ThursdayContinuing last week’s train of thought(fulness) on picking out baby names

Many people talked about having names (or a set of candidates) while TTC or even before. A few people mentioned having a name selected but then, as the years passed, reconsidering after it became too popular. But none of the commenters mentioned another aspect of naming that I’ve heard infertiles talk about elsewhere: having the name stolen before you can use it.

Not infertility-related but still relevant… on Seinfeld, George chooses the name Seven in honor of Mickey Mantle’s number, long before thinking about actually having children. His fiancée mentions it to her pregnant cousin, who decides to use it on her unborn baby. George confronts the couple about the theft, and they counter that George and Susan aren’t pregnant and may never even get married. He has no exclusive right to the name.

Back to real life… by definition, infertiles take a long time to build their families. Adoptive parents also tend to have to wait many years. In the meantime, every time you blink, another fertile friend or relative has given birth. There are many opportunities for someone to steal a name out from under you. Some of them might be respectful of requests to hold off, but some like the cousins on Seinfeld might think that you have no right to a name if you aren’t even pregnant.

Has anyone stolen a name that you planned to use? Have you had concerns that a name might be stolen because of delays in your family-building?

One of my concerns about DH’s younger sister beating us in the baby race was having a name stolen out from under us (oh, and the fact that we were married almost a decade and TTC for half a decade before she even met her fiancé). The actual names would never be stolen — our selections are too unusual for that — but the names’ honorees could be. It is Jewish tradition to name babies in honor of a beloved deceased relative. Both of DH’s grandfathers died before we started TTC, one before I met DH and one between the time of our wedding and TTC. Before she died, I explicitly talked about naming a son in honor of the latter with DH’s grandmother.

A few months before she died, she and I had a quiet, intimate conversation. I asked her permission, if we ever had a son, to name the child after her late husband. She said, so gently, “I have thought about that, many times. That would make me very happy.” I cannot convey to you the warmth of her smile when she said that.

I don’t even know if the sister would name a baby in honor of anyone — she’s less into Judaism than DH despite their equally Orthodox upbringing, and her fiancé doesn’t do anything to encourage Jewish practice in their home the way that I have tried to do in ours. But if she did try to snipe a namesake… the naming rights are mine! All mine! We are older and we have been trying way longer and I got permission and her fiancé was around but refused to go to the grandmother’s funeral because he felt “uncomfortable” and he never even met the grandfather and WE HAVE DIBS!

Interestingly, DH’s sister is named verbatim for a deceased relative, whereas DH is not named for anyone. I don’t know if that factors into either of their decisions to name a baby after someone or not. During this pregnancy I offered her the name of the grandfather who died when they were kids, and she said “no thanks.” It could be that she doesn’t want to name a baby after anyone, or maybe she just doesn’t like that name.

As it stands, between the four names that my son and daughter will receive (not counting their Hebrew names), DH’s three deceased grandparents will each be honored. The fourth is just a name that I have always liked. There’s a good chance his sister will give birth in 2010, but whatever her naming intentions might have been, I have managed to sneak in just under the deadline, with both a boy and a girl. Take that! And, phew.

Has anyone stolen a name that you planned to use? Have you had concerns that a name might be stolen because of delays in your family-building?

This could also apply to objects like family heirlooms, birthrights, all sorts of things.

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39 Responses to “Thoughtful Thursday: Dibs”

  1. Beth Says:

    I haven’t had a name stolen, but that might be because we don’t mention the names we’re considering. Even before C and I were married, I wouldn’t specify my favorite names for fear of thievery. I’ve always known I wanted children, and at one point hoped to be a young mom, so I’ve had names in mind for decades. But I never mention them to anyone, except C now that we have a reason to talk names.

  2. Amanda Says:

    I haven’t had this happen to me, but it happens all the time. My aunt and her best friend were pregnant at the same time and my aunt shared the name that she’d picked out with her friend. My aunt miscarried and her friend stole the name. What a terrible way to backstab a friend.

  3. Kristin Says:

    Luckily, name stealing was never an issue for me. My sister did use a name I had briefly considered but she had no clue it was even on my radar.


  4. Well, apart from the colleague that named his child with the name we had initially in mind for our son (that I mentioned in last week’s comment), we haven’t had a name stolen. My sister had intended to use a middle name for he daughter that I had in mind too, for if I ever might have a girl, and I was a bit disappointed about that (but didn’t talk to her about it, because, hey, I wasn’t pregnant). However in the end she gave her daughter another middle name, so if I would ever be blessed with a baby girl, I could still use that name (but on the other hand I might not use it as it is very Dutch and therefore hard to pronounce in almost any other language).

  5. Jamie Says:

    Has anyone stolen a name that you planned to use? Have you had concerns that a name might be stolen because of delays in your family-building?

    I have had that fear. We are using all family names and I knew that my number 1 boy name would not be taken since I am an only child and it comes from my family. However, our number 1 girl name is from Mike’s family and I was afraid that if his SIL and brother became pregnant it would be one of their top choices. We had backup names if that did happen. They have been married longer than us but do not have children. Plus, we are having two girls — so we are using the name.

    Great question, as always.

    Hope you are feeling well and dealing with bedrest as best you can. I think of you often.

  6. Ewebey Says:

    I can’t say the name was stolen, because we hadn’t shared it, but DH’s cousin posted on facebook the name they had chosen. (which is Hayden).
    So, now me and my DH are going to have to come up with something else and it sucks. The boy name was the one we actually agreed on (unlike the girl name).
    (our boy name was Hagen.. The two names sound WAY too alike)..

  7. Elana Kahn Says:

    First of all, I’m also Jewish, so I know all about naming after people. Anyway, my sister has no plans to get pregnant, so I wasn’t worried about her “stealing” a name. She’s welcome to name after the same people I named after, but she’d probably choose different names than I did because we are two TOTALLY different people.

    I actually accidentally named my son the exact same name as my best male friend. I knew they would have the same first name just because it’s a name I liked and he was being named after my father and my husband’s father (who both passed away before my hubby and I met). The middle name is my father-in-law’s Hebrew name. So once I picked the name, I ran it by my friend so he wouldn’t be surprised that my son had his first name. And he reminded me that his middle name is the same one…oopsie! Well, he was honored and let us use his name. :-)

  8. Billy Says:

    Yes, I did have a name stolen, but I am still planning on using that name :-).

    I have two names – one for a boy and one for a girl. I hope I’m not jinxing it, but I really haven’t heard anyone naming their child with that name (and it’s not a strage or unique name. Just probably not popolar nowadays).

    But my boy’s name.. was stolen twice! Once by my 2nd cousin (I will add that she doesn’t know about my intended name). I actually used the oppertunity to find out what people think of that name (oh, so XXX named her son YYY… what do you say, is it a nice name? LOL). Then again was stolen by a woman on my SMC forum (she of course doesn’t know..). And the annoying thing is that she nicknames him, and I really haven’t thought of a nickname, so now I can’t use that nick..
    When my sister was thinking of names for her son, I told her I don’t care if she happens to steal my name (which again, she doesn’t know what it is), I still plan on giving that name to my child. She was cool with that :-)

  9. strongblonde Says:

    B’s family is huge and all of his cousins and his brother have a zillion kids. some of them have the names that we always considered….but no one really knows.

    …and who’s to say? i tried to change my cat’s name a few years after she had it. i just hope i can find something that i like enough to let it stand for the child’s lifetime :)

  10. Dora Says:

    Nope, no one’s stolen a name choice. Although unless it was a close family member, I’d probably still use my choice. But I might have had an unusual name similarity situation if baby girl had been a boy. My niece’s name is Julie, and I was leaning towards Julian for a boy. We sometimes call my niece Jule, and I kind of thought the cousins would just get a kick out of being “Jule and Jules.” It’s not like they would have been confused for each other with the 11 year age difference and being different genders. Ah, well. Moot anyway, since I’m cooking a girl.

    I did have a little twinge of annoyance recently when I found out that a very popular mommy blogger named her new daughter the name I’ve chosen for one of my girl’s middle names. It’s not at all a common name. But even though the blogger is VERY popular, she’s not a household name outside of the mommy blogosphere.

  11. Mel Says:

    I love tormenting my brother with the idea of stealing his favourite names. But no, I never worried because the type of names each of us (as siblings) like is very different. Actually, my brother and sister like the same type of names and I’m the odd-man out in terms of what Josh and I like. We also have multiple people named after the same person in our family so it wouldn’t be unusual for my cousin to honour our great aunt and for me to honour our great aunt with names that are similar yet different.

  12. Carrie Says:

    Yes, someone stole my name and it still irks me. My sister said after my grandmother died that she wanted to use her first name for her daughter that she may or may not have. At this time, she did not even want another child, especially a girl. Yes, she was set on only have 1 or 2 boys, that was it.

    At the time, hubby and I were going through round 2 of our clomid cycle and were basically waiting for our results. I knew long before my grandmother died that if I had a girl I wanted to name her that name. My sister got into a HUGE fight with me over it and I just let it go.

    Well, we did end up finding out we were pregnant about a week after my grandmother passed away, and to me it was just a sign. U/S revealed we were having a girl and I called my sister and she was still very argumentative about it all so I gave up and decided to use the name as my oldest’s middle name. I love the name we chose for my daughter, but the whole dilema around it still bothers me. Oh, and this sister now has a daughter who has the same middle name as my oldest (yep, she didn’t even use her name as the first name).

  13. loribeth Says:

    Never happened to me, thank goodness, but I do know people it’s happened to. And it’s not pretty when it does happen.

    You could just go ahead & use the name you wanted anyway… although that can sometimes lead to confusion. My mom’s family is notorious for using family names, although it’s not as prevalent among members of the younger generation as it was years ago. I can think of at least half a dozen Alices, living & dead, off the top of my head.

    Dh is Italian, & the custom is to name the first son after the father’s father, the second son after the mother’s father, the first daughter after the father’s mother, etc. Which leads to many cousins bearing the exact same names in the same family. Dh has two other cousins with the exact same name as him; fortunately, they don’t live very near each other & all go by different everyday/nicknames, which makes it easier to distinguish them.

    He also shares his name with a well-known local Catholic priest, & when we lived in the city, we used to get calls all the time asking for “Father B,” lol. Dh said he had to bite his tongue not to answer, “Yes, my son?” lol

    He also has three cousins who share a name. Two of them were in our wedding party, & a lot of people thought it was a typo on the program.

  14. jill Says:

    I have never had a name “stolen” but I won’t tell anyone the names I plan on using expressly because of that chance.

    My boy name honors my father who died eight years ago. I have two sisters who may also have the same idea if they have boys. If I get pregnant first I plan to discuss it with them (and my mom) to make sure everyone’s feelings are considered. If they get pregnant first and want to use it, that is their right, and I would be happy that he was honored by one of us. I would never put up a fuss – I know it is a huge possibility that I will never have any children at all.

  15. Amy Says:

    My younger sister has had dibs on a name honoring our Grandmother for years. She’s married but not pregnant. My SIL is pregnant with her second child and decided to name their baby a nickname of the name my sister had dibs on. She said that she just doesn’t care if there was dibs, is not doing it to honor our Grandma (and didn’t even know our Grandma’s name). I just think that names in honor of someone are special and she is ruining and bastardizing that.

    I’m not telling anyone my name because I have similar fears.

  16. Julie Says:

    Technically no name was outright “stolen.” Our friends had their baby a few months before ours and used one of my top five so I figured meant it wasn’t to be one of our names and crossed it off.

    The more odd occurrence was the day we finally told hubby’s side of the family we were pregnant his BIL and (different) SIL promptly told us names we couldn’t use. Annoyed me but at the same time I realized my taste in names was very different from either of theirs and very unlikely to double up.

    My sister and I had almost the exact same name originally in mind (first and middle – talk about parallel thoughts) but she, being a lot younger, wasn’t upset that I used the middle name with one of our girls (our grandmother’s middle name)

  17. Photogrl Says:

    Ah, the “stolen” name…

    When I was pregnant with Miss O., at work one day, I revealed the 2 girls and 2 boys names that we were thinking of. One of the manager’s ears perked right up…

    Fast forward 3 years, she’s pregnant with her 2nd, and I’ve had 3 losses at that point and she names her son MY name. Ugh. Granted she probably has NO recollection of my original names, but I still feel slighted, you know?

    Kinda like when a name is ruined because of you knowing someone you didn’t like with that name? That’s how I feel.

  18. staciet Says:

    Well, the name we have chosen for a girl is pretty unique, so I don’t really think that anyone will steal it, especially because we haven’t really told anyone what it is. A few of the names I have liked for a boy have come up in the family, but they are fairly common names now, so it didn’t bother me much. I try not to think that far ahead now, so we haven’t even discussed possible boys names for any future (please, oh please) children we may have.

    My family is a bit odd in that everyone seems to have the same names–not family names either! For instance, my niece and a cousin have the same name (same age, too), and I have several cousins on my dad’s side who all have the same first name. It gets crazy because now they are known as so and so’s ______ instead of just as their own name. Bleh. I wouldn’t use a repeated name for just that reason.

    The part that is difficult for us is that I am a teacher. I had a hard time deciding on names because I didn’t want them to be the same as some of my more “interesting” students. I have just under 200 kids a year and have been teaching for 12 years, so that blew a LOT of names for me!

  19. Lavender Luz Says:

    No. I was not one to have a name picked out years before. We basically came up with our names mere days before we knew we would/might be parents. Way too short a time to have anything stolen.

    Score one for The Jinx.

    Hope the staying put is going well.

  20. WiseGuy Says:

    Has anyone stolen a name that you planned to use? Have you had concerns that a name might be stolen because of delays in your family-building?

    I was shaking my head in a No, till I read the last line of your post.

    First of all, I have still not shared the names that I have chosen…so even if any of my relatives or DH’s relatives use any of the names, I would not be able to call it stealing. It would just mean that I would have to rethink my choice…

    I am the elder DIL…and as I have stated before…me and DH went into the TTC route way before SIL entered the same route…and she hit Destination faster than us…far too fast, way too fast…way too easy.

    I love my niece…but I wish, that I would have had the privilege of producing the first grandchild…even though I do not want to call it stealing…but still.

    One of the things in this whole aspect is that my hubby had encouraged his bro to start thinking about family building (and that too by persuading that conception may not happen immediately, and that my in-laws were longing for a grandchild).

    If the encouragement had not happened, maybe my BIL would have waited out another year or so before planning his first…maybe, I would not have had to lose that position…

    My niece has already celebrated her first birthday, and in her I also see the marks of a dream I have craved for so long.

    That position of being the mother of the first much sought after grandchild has been irrevocably taken away from me.

  21. samcy Says:

    I have always had and currently do have names in mind. But I’ve also had to cross a few of those names off my list in the past simply because although we did not share with our friends and family the names we were considering, by the simple fact that pretty much everyone has had their babies already and we’re still waiting to have one of our own they’ve inadvertendly used the names we liked for their children. But that is life. People are allowed to use any name they want, that is their right – lets face it no-one has rights to any names out there – you with child names are fair game. BUT it does hurt sometimes when you realise that the name you had earmarked for your kids gets used before you can.

  22. Lisa G Says:

    Ok, I admit it, I am a name-stealer. But I had good reason!
    When I was pregnant with my son, I wanted to honor my late father so I picked his name as my son’s middle name. At a family barbeque we ran into my cousin. His wife was pregnant and expecting a boy and she mentioned they were naming him my father’s name. Not to honor my father (after all, he died in 1983 so she never met him), but because it started with the same letter as my cousin’s 4 other kids! And 2 of the kids were boys! So I felt justified in switching my son’s names and naming him after my dad. My cousin went ahead and named his son the same name, but at least we know mine honors my late father and isn’t because I ran out of same-letter names. We don’t see that cousin very often, so my family calls his son, ‘the other XXX’.

  23. Nishkanu Says:

    As mentioned previously on your blog we are not very good at the baby-name-picking thing. Having said that the names that are currently on the short list are mostly extremely obscure. We would never share them with anyone because we don’t want people to try to talk us out of name X or Y (esp. because they are pretty unusual) – once the baby is born people will be stuck with whatever we decide to call it, for better or for worse, and will hopefully know to keep their mouths shut. So stealing is not really possible in our scenario, at best accidental overlap is possible but even that is pretty unlikely.

    There is one slightly less obscure name that I had thought about earlier which I hadn’t even told Mr. Nishkanu about yet – and when my nephew was born I found out that my brother and sister-in-law had almost called their son that name. But we weren’t in the never-ending slog of infertility yet then so it would have had a different sting, if it had happened.

  24. Carrie Says:

    Oh thank goodness you got in under the wire. I have also watched many of my friends go on to have their second and third children while I had miscarriage after miscarriage… and each time a name was announced, I literally held my breath. One of our three boys’ names was one we’ve loved for many years and we were, indeed, afraid of someone stealing it. Undoubtedly someone extremely fertile with six children.

    Luckily, our son’s name was not high jacked by anyone close to us. I might have had to invoke “DIBS!” if anyone had suggested the name for their own child. Pity can be a weapon, right? ;)

    I loved the “Seven” episode of “Seinfeld”. I am also reminded of an episode of “Sex and the City” in which infertile Charlotte has a name stolen from her, too. At the time, I believe, she was not TTC, and not even married. She thought it unfair the name was stolen because she was not already popping out children. I will have to go find that one.

  25. Kerri Says:

    ah yes. i have had TWO of our names stolen from us. my cousin and his wife have now popped out their 3rd kid in less than 5 years while we are still working on our first… the had their name all set and ready to go, even had bought stuff with his ‘name’ on it. so i figured what was the harm in sharing our names with her while she was in the hospital in early labor. i divulge the name and then 4 hours later i get a text annoucing his birth, weight and name… low and behold, not only did they take the first but the entire name… first and middle… *shakes head*

    the second name was just taken from me this past friday. it is my maiden name and though i’ve never really told anyone about it after the first incident and another cousin names his other son, which i guess i can’t consider stealing. but i still do… LOL

  26. Sandy Says:

    My DH and I picked out a beautiful girl name during my first pregnancy, were delighted to find that we were indeed having a girl and happily (foolishly) announced our name. Imagine our surprise at the arrival of a son. We were thrilled at his arrival, but obvi, the name had to be changed! So now, 2 years later, while we have been TTC again, a friend/coworker announced that she is expecting and will be naming her daughter with our (first and middle!) name. I’m still seeing red. What’s that phrase, “So angry I could spit”. Yep, that’s me. I mean, she could at least come up with her own middle name!

  27. Queenie Says:

    YES!!

    Now that we are actually pregnant, we try not to talk about names. But maybe 8-9 years ago, I heard an unusual boys name that I fell in love with. For years we said to each other during those “what if we had a baby” conversations that if we ever had a boy, we would use it. A few years ago, we had friends, more like acquaintances, really, that were pregnant, and they were talking about names. DH told them “our” name. Months later (maybe even like a year later), we saw the husband, and he said they’d had the baby. When we asked the baby’s name, he said OUR name!! It was so unusual that they HAD to have gotten it from speaking with us-they’d never heard it before. The husband looked uncomfortable after he told us, almost like he remembered after the fact that the name came from us, and he quickly followed up by saying it was the name of a character in a book!

    We haven’t seen then since, though, so I’d happily use the name still. Except, we’re having a girl!

  28. Cara Says:

    No, not really. But I was struck really hard when my SIL named her girl using both Emma’s and Claire’s middle names. Both my girls had already arrived, so it wasn’t ‘stealing’ as much as a strange sense of invaded space I couldn’t shake. I mean, there ARE a great multitude of names out there, yes?

    Years later, it doesn’t bother me at all. But post loss, post rainbow baby, and still reeling from what parenting was actually all about – it sent me for quite a spin!

  29. Alison Says:

    No, I haven’t had a name ‘stolen’, but we’ve always gone to great lengths not to discuss name choices, not for fear ot theivery so much but to avoid unwanted opinions!

    But the whole ‘dibs’ thing I don’t really get. If you really want to keep a name for yourself, you just shouldn’t mention it so it is not on anyone’s radar. We had friends call dibs on a boy and girls name on us way before they were TTC. It annoyed me really, as I can name a child whatever I want, if it doubles up with them then so be it. The likelihood of us actually choosing the same name is quite low, but induces feelings of guilt etc if I actually did have your choice up there on my list. We find it so hard to choose names that I don’t need other peoples preferences infulencing me!

    Reminds me of a ‘Friends’ episode when Rachel was pregnant and Monica shared her favourite name (Emma) and suddenly Rachel could think of nothing else she liked better. Name stolen. Monica would have been better off keeping her mouth shut!

  30. Tan Says:

    I’m just thinking of my situation and honestly I don’t know how I can be in trouble for “stealing” someone elses name when they never actually told me.

    If it was a collegue I would still name my child what I wanted – cause to be honest we might not even see each other by the time the kids are concieved let alone born!
    My friends have VERY different taste in names so no problem there, and only my SIL was trying around the time we were – albiet she was trying MUCH longer than us but she never said what names she liked and my hubby had a name picked he’d wanted since a child.

    How far back do you have to go when who stole who’s name comes into it?
    IDK about you but when I was in primary school even I would think of the names I would use for my kids – so if one of those names comes up can I claim it was stolen? :-P

  31. Gabby Says:

    wow – now you’ve got me thinking.. we do not have any names finalized. we are so newly pregnant. but we talked about it last night and all the names we like.. i can name another friend that has a child with that name already. all our friends have kids – that’s the problem!

    are we stealing if we name them a similar name?


  32. Ah, the stolen name. This really concerned me when my sister in law was pregnant, because two of the three names super-husband and I have talked about for years are family names, from his family. I had never mentioned the names for fear of sparking an idea for them.
    The baby was born, and was named something totally different so no worries there. But we currently have one friend who is pregnant and I am holding my breath!

  33. Lynn Says:

    This is definitely one of the worries I’ve had with it taking us so long and still nothing yet. All my siblings are actually a good bit older than me, so I don’t worry about them, but I have a nephew who is 23 and a niece who is 16, so my worry transfers to them now, lol!

    As it is, my brother (dad to the 16 year old) took a name I had given a doll of mine (I was 15 when the niece was born and had the doll from age 10) and gave it to my niece (first and middle name the same as my doll!). And then when my sister adopted her little girl, she gave her middle name as a name I had shared in confidence with my sister that I wanted to use. So now, DH and I have names we’d like to use should we ever actually get to start our family and we’re keeping them under wraps! When our children are born, then they’ll find out their names. Until then, we’ll just enjoy them for ourselves :D

  34. Cat Says:

    Our friends used a lot of names that I liked while we were TTC and they were popping out kids left and right. The one that I kind of consider “stolen” was a name that’s in DH’s family and in mine that I had in mind for years. My SIL chose that name for her third daughter. DH said we could still use it, but that would have meant two of the four grandchildren would have the same name and that would have been weird.

  35. Heather Says:

    We didn’t have any of our names stolen, but I was petrified we would. My DH has 7 brothers and sisters and all of them were having children the same time we’ve been trying. Our twin boys are actually grandchildren 12 & 13 for his parents. I never mentioned any of the names we liked as we were trying to get pregnant as I was so scared someone would decide they liked it and stole it.


  36. Well, my daughter is named after my dead mother. And if we ever have a boy, he will be named after my husband’s dead grandfather. I would be totally okay if my sister decided to name her child after our mother. Obviously she meant a lot to both of us. Same goes for the boy’s name. I guess since I was named after my father, I feel everyone has the right to the name if it comes down to being named after someone. Also, I have such a unique name: Ernessa, I think I tend to find names that other people also have to be way more appealing than a name that no one else has. Still, our boy name isn’t common, but it is old-fashioned and I love old-fashioned names (furniture — not so much)

  37. Michele Says:

    For this pregnancy, we chose early on and announced the names and, soon after, I spoke to my brother and he told me that he liked the name “Benjamin” so much that they decided to name their baby (due before ours, although our little ones decided to come first) Benjamin. This is Bobby’s middle name and will be their son’s first name. At first, I was taken aback and then said “I guess imitation is the severest form of flattery.” Perhaps this is a way to bond the cousins. Who knows. We chose Benjamin after a cousin who passed away on Peter’s side; my brother chose it because he liked it. I think our reason is better (of course, I do…) but all in all, I think we have to name our children the name that calls to us, regardless of what other people do.

  38. Renee Says:

    yep SIL stole our name 100% we were both TTC together she ended up preggo first (we have to use IVF) in the past we had discussed names and stupidly shared or 1st choice if GOd blessed us with another girl well she named her DD that. Still irks me but what can I do. It hurt most sinc eshe new we wer struggling with infertility and having that name in my head kinda of gave me hope kwim.

  39. brandyshea Says:

    This is why I don’t tell people potential baby names. We probably won’t even share names until said baby is born.

    ICLW

    http://www.brandysheaif.blogspot.com


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