I am working on this one.

Will it change back to where I can balance everything? I have no idea. I hope so.

I think everyone is happy and healthy, and that is enough for me!

I think that it is the most difficult stuff that makes us reset our priorities. The stuff we can’t control.

But, that doesn’t stop me from trying to do it all, and being disappointed in myself when I fail.

My plan, and it’s just a silly plan, is to do two things to deal with this conundrum: work at what I love and take the financial hit that comes with that; and make a few priorities to ensure ongoing sanity that are mine and mine alone (like swimming and yoga) that will be my rocks: immobile, and something my husband will have to reckon with. Fortunately, I’m blessed with a career and a husband amenable to this approach.

Maybe instead of compartmentalizing our lives like some sort of psychological Target, we need to think of happiness first: What will make me happy? Working more? Okay, then you have to give a bit on some other things, like spending time at home. Focusing on your children? Okay, then some other stuff will have to give, at least temporarily.

It’s a balance, but the things that truly make you happy cannot be abandoned. They can’t all be fully honored all the time, but if you turn your back on them, they will come and bite you in the ass (aka midlife crisis).

Because if mama’s not happy, no one’s happy.

The major conclusion I have come to is that there is no point in doing it all. Up until now I have always kind of assumed that the “all” that I had to do was required in order to be a good-enough person. But now I realize that it really, really isn’t. I was helped immensely by spending 6 months living in a working-class community where people simply hadn’t bought into the “must cook organic / cook from scratch / fill every hour of the day with productive activity” ideology. I was amazed to interact with people who would say things like “I can’t meet up with you today, I am cleaning my living room” (or whatever single task they were occupied with, which in my speeded-up life should only take an hour or two and then have other cr*p jammed in around it). And I realized pretty quickly that those people had a lot more self-respect and were a lot happier than I am.

On returning from the community to my regular world I look around me and am just astonished at the low quality of life people are willing to put up with in order to “do it all.” I look at my brother and sister-in-law with two young kids who do all the “right” things – both working full-time, maintaining all family obligations and then some, keeping an immaculate house, etc. etc., and I doubt they sleep more than 5 hours a night. Maybe they are happy, hard for me to judge, but when I see their lives all I can think is “that’s not what I want.” I don’t want to have to go-go-go all the time, I want to have peace in my life.

How to do it, if you want to?

First, you have to recognize how many of the things you “have to” do are optional. You do NOT have to have perfect anal control of your finances and know how every penny was spent (giving this up freed up a lot of time for me!), you do NOT have to send Christmas cards to everyone you were ever close to, you do NOT have to serve meals that are totally home-cooked/natural/organic, etc. Going over everything that you “have to” do and figuring out whether the world would end if you stopped doing it is pretty liberating. As others have mentioned pregnancy is a good time for this since it wipes your *ss anyway (if I don’t nap for 2 hours a day I am so wiped I am totally useless).

Second, for the things you decide you still want to do, if you are a perfectionist like me it is handy to adopt the new mantra “what is the easiest way I can get this done?” I tend to take on new tasks and make gargantuan efforts out of them, by stopping to figure out whether there are some shortcuts that will make it more manageable my life gets a lot easier.

Third, recognize that the default in our society of what will occur in a new family, even if you consider yourselves to be egalitarian, is that much of the workload will fall on the woman. If you don’t want that to happen to you, actively work against it. For example, I started spending a lot of time researching OBs, hospitals, childcare, etc. while my hubby kept on blissfully with his life. After a while I realized… why am I the one doing all of this? I asked my hubby if he would be in charge of figuring out childcare after the little one comes. “Sure!” he said, and it was off my plate. Comes at the cost of not being in control of it, but that cost is worth paying. I highly, highly, highly recommend the book “Avoiding the Mommy Trap.” It explains why this happens and how you can work against it. It was extremely eye-opening.

Fourth, if you can afford to, consider cutting down your work hours. In the US our work hours are the highest of any industrial nation (see Juliet Schor’s Overworked American for a brilliant discussion of this issue). We Americans also generally tend to think that “more hours worked” = “better person”; my colleagues are always complaining about how overworked they are, but it seems like these complaints are also intended as advertising for what good people they are that they work so hard. It is majorly bucking the trend, especially in management-type occupations, but there is no rule written in stone that we all have to work 50-60 hours to be successful. Europeans manage it on 35, and look at you like you are crazy if you start to complain about how much you “have to” work (this is taken as a sign that you are not managing your workload properly… probably correctly).

So the summary, I guess, is that US culture tends to drive us all to distraction with tasks and plans and scheduled activities, and if you want to be sane and happy and balanced you have to work against what your friends and neighbours are doing. This is not easy. But at least for me, I don’t want to live the life of “all”, the cost is way too high.

Right now, we can’t wait to get the second of our new twin boys home, so we can get back to our new “new normal”. Hopefully that will be in the next few days.

That said, I will tell you that when you are pregnant, it’s a time in the cycle to lay back a bit and slow down. It’s a time when you really need to go inward, think about things like what you just posted and how life will change in the coming months.

I also want to make it very clear that I strongly recommend women to have their husband be just as hands-on with child raising as the woman is. It’s for the best of the marriage to be partners in this as well as helping both feel like they have a balance in life. I get so frustrated when I see mother’s thinking that only they can parent a child and make the husband feel like he doesn’t know anything. He may not do things the way you do, but he needs to find his way as well as you do.

I think it is possible to do all, but perfection cannot be demanded from it. One of my colleagues too is super at everything, she wakes up early, cooks for the whole family, assists in her daughter’s homework, and of course works with us…and I do not still think that I want to be her. I may want to borrow her desire to try new recipes, but that is that!

Take one thing at a time. Have a perspective on what is to be accomplished and have a weighted measure for how important each of the activity is to you…And you must be pleased with yourself…It is easy to see the flowers growing on the other side of the fence, but we do not know what worms are digging that soil….nobody is perfect!

My main goal is to prioritize and not to add anything else to my schedule (which is hard for me).

So I try to pre-load my blog on the weekends, when my husband will be there. Schedule at least 2 friend dates a week, so that I don’t go crazy. I comment on other blogs late at night, while I’m waiting for Betty to demand her next feeding, and I’ll write — well, I don’t know when I’ll write exactly. But so far it’s been about adapting to my new schedule and fitting things in where I can.

I think it helps not to be too rigid with your schedule, since it keeps on changing and prioritizing your naps first and foremost, so that you have enough energy to do the other things you want to do. Also, as mean as this sounds, it also helps to prioritize your friends. You won’t be able to make time for everyone, but you should go the extra mile for the people who really matter to you.

Believe it or not, my pregnancy really prepared me for this new life. I figured out a lot of the systems I have now, when I got too tired and huge to move. Now I’m just tired, so that’s something. Getting my body back has made things a lot easier.

Anyway, this is all to say that you can’t do everything you want, but you can do everything that counts. And as your priorities shift, you might not mind your new lifestyle. Just stay adaptable and keep on working the problem. You’ll figure it out.

My goal is to make sure that my values play out in my priorities. Meaning that where I spend my time/energy is in direct proportion to what is important to me.

I am so not a 4 am workout kind of person.

It is a great preparation for one infant (let alone, two, I imagine) because once your babies arrive, you won’t care about much else (you don’t have to believe me, but I am right) for a long time.

The remarkable thing I’ve found so far, is no one seems to be noticing my extreme slacker behavior. Maybe I just keep up the illusion.

The simple answer (for me) is no. You can’t do it all, whatever your “all” is. I’ve even found that the crap I used to tolerate at work is too much for me now. I just can’t handle it. Even being a “good” wife can be difficult some days. I think impending parenthood helps to put everything into perspective before you’re responsible for the care of another life , or in your case, lives.

I do think that there is a fine balance to be sought and acheived. Think of it like having a different basket for each part of your life. We *can* actually raise a family, be productive at work and still find time for ourselves and our hobbies, but it’s up to each of us to decide how much to put into any one basket at any given time.

Maybe at first the family basket will be heavier than the others, because that’s where the focus is needed. Then as time goes on, that basket may become a little lighter as we get the hang of our new roles and routines. Then we’ll have some spare energy to throw into a different basket.

The point is, there is a finite amount of energy we have each day, pregnant or not, and our circumstances at the moment dictate where that energy needs to be spent.

When I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I had nothing left. Nada. I had run empty and staggered through my daily life like a zombie. Lifeless. I learned a lot in my year of recovery. I learned to respect my limits, because to do otherwise would be detrimental not only to my health but also to the relationships of the people around me. I had to make tough choices but in the end I found my balance out of necessity. The other option was to stay in flare and I couldn’t bear that. It just wasn’t an option I was willing to consider.