14w0d: 2nd Trimester
May 19, 2009
Happy 2nd trimester to me!
It didn’t feel like I’d ever get here.
In one way, I had blind faith that I’d get here (and beyond) eventually. Through 7 years of infertility, even when all signs pointed to No, I still believed that I would get here.
But in another way, as I have checked the toilet paper for blood every time and expected each ultrasound to reveal non-beating hearts, it was hard to trust that I’d ever make it to the “safe” zone.
Safe, ha ha ha. Infertile girls and babyloss mamas know better than to think that a pregnancy is ever “safe.”
But yes, now that we’ve passed this milestone, it’s time to let the cat out of the bag. It’s time to make our announcement to the family members that we’ll see in person this week, and to call the other family members almost-simultaneously with the same announcement.
DH has even thought up an adorable way to tell the in-person relatives. His excitement about everything is so sweet. He doesn’t share the Dead Baby Thoughts, and he only feels the optimism. Must be nice.
I know that everyone will be thrilled, even moreso because these are the first grandchildren on either side. They’ve waited a long time too… albeit without the tears, losses, injections, general anesthesia… But yes, I know they’ve been waiting.
When we make the announcement, I’m concerned about all of the conversations that will follow. I’m not afraid of questions about what took us so long, which I will finally answer without lying. Part of my concern is that by diving excitedly into talk about pregnancy and babies, it’s like pretending the past 7 years haven’t happened. But a bigger part of my concern, which infertiles know all too well, is that talking nonstop about “mommy” topics is flat-out boring.
I don’t want to pretend to be a normal pregnant lady, talking about swollen ankles (they aren’t), too-tight pants (they are), and diaper choices (twins? disposable, of course). Partly because of the charade, and partly because it’s boring.
I have been the only childless woman in far too many conversations where no one has anything interesting to say. Debating methods for pureeing bananas does not qualify as interesting. The consistency of anyone’s poo is not interesting. Know what’s really not interesting? Nipples.
You heard it here first. I will not talk about my nipples. I will continue to talk about work, current events, the weather, popular culture, and my not-quite-as-frequent-but-still-extensive travels. I will talk about the babies sometimes, and sometimes I will talk about other things. If 7 years of infertility has taught me anything, it’s that there are other things going on in the world aside from diaper rash. It’s not that I’m not thrilled to be in the position I’m in — of course I am. But I can’t forget where I came from, and I can’t forget that most people, particularly those without children, not only aren’t interested in burping techniques but may feel deeply saddened by such conversations.
Everyone who wants to talk about pregnancy or babies nonstop can expect to be redirected: “But enough about the babies. Do you think the Minnesota Supreme Court will rule for Franken or Coleman?”
I may be a one-trick pony when it comes to blogging, but I will not turn into Only A Mommy. These babies deserve more, and so do I.